Good Morning, I never realized how controlling my addiction was. 'Ol Mr. Hyde sure had me doped. I've always paid attention to nature, birds, the grass, trees E.T.C. But yesterday when I was walking to work, Something was different. I felt free! No longer was I obsessed with the unnatural drive to get my next dose of "medication," But I was free to enjoy the clean air, the river, rustling leaves and, the singing birdies. I think that the mental obsession has passed (for now) and for this I'm Grateful.
Yesterday didn't go as well as hoped, None the less it was a decent day. I was able to talk to my daughter and step son again last night and was informed that my daughter is being a trouble maker after we talk. And I was warned that if her attitude does not improve after our conversations then I will only be able to talk to her once a month. And was asked to "Talk" to her and hopefully be able to get her to understand the importance of "good behavior" and smiling when someone pisses you off or just walking away. It went well, although as I was Giving her some fatherly advice, I too found that with some situations, with some people that I too needed to heed my own advice. So I suppose I'm not perfect (yet) and their is still room to grow. Some times...No. No. No. All the time growth is...Painful. Maybe in time growth will become less traumatic? On a note of honesty, I'm a bad father! It hurts me to type this, but oh well! I can not put in to words how excited I am to have the possibility to FINALLY have my daughter live with me. On the same note I'm terrified! The only thing I know how to do successfully is get back on the merry go round of my addiction, and destroy myself and everything in my path. Now that I'm sober I'm going to have to happily take care of my responsibilities in life. I have no Idea how to raise a child! Run from her and avoid her yes I can do that. But to raise a child to A...In a manner that will give her the best possible chance in the world I have no idea where to begin. I think I should take some parenting classes if they are available in my area.
As long as I stay SOBER I have unlimited potential! Some times my potential scares me into relapse though, But this time I feel safe. My dreams are about to finally come true and for once in my life I'm truly happy. (just wait till Amber is living with you Greg.) Anyways I hope everyone has a good day. Thanks for all your friendly advice and help.
P.S. I saw a sign the other day and on it it read : "As we mark time, Time marks us." Hummm...
4 comments:
Nice post.
I hope you have the opportunity to work through the 12 steps with a sponsor before tackling the responsibilities of raising a child. The steps can help to make sense of things and keep life in perspective.
In God's time.
Greg, Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and for sharing your thoughts. Although not easy for me to hear, it meant alot. Things are quiet and good right now and he is still in his program and doing well. I know it can change at any moment. I am just trying to get through each day. I will try to write more later, hang in there and have a nice day...
I am not a parent (yet at least to a child, a parent to a dog and 4 cats, yes) but I listen to the parents in AA. I hear them teach each other how to be a parent, how to love, teach, and nurture the lives they brought into this World. AA and the Al-Anon family groups hav saved the lives of many families.
You are in the right place, you really are.
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