Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Carrying the message

This tree is comming out of a crack in an enormous boulder. I don't understand how but WOW... hey that rymes LOL

"12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs"
Alcoholics Anonymous pg 60

Yesterday I was walking home and I walked past an alley way and saw two drunks. One was sitting on the ground trying to figure out why he was on the ground. Was I tying my shoe? Nope... What am I doing here? I don't know for sure about his buddy but this guy was defiantly off in oblivion.
I watched. His buddy seemed to be embarrassed, ashamed that he hung out with this guy. They could not see me and I didn't want to make myself noticed. Who knows what kind of drunks they are? And then it hit me. That was me almost 90 days ago. WOW!!! I actually loved that shit??? What was I thinking? When I was in the mindset to seek oblivion every day, I was not satisfied until I got their! The more dope I shot in my arm and the more booze I could consume the better. Living in my head sober was a self imposed hell and at the time oblivion was a much much happier place. And then I would begin to come down, run out of booze and I'd have no money to get more. But what ever happens I had better hurry cause I'm gonna be dope sick in about 45 min and if I do not get another shot of medication or a 5th oh whiskey to hold me over life is really going to be hell. Then my instinctual drive to "Survive" kicks in and I'll do what ever I have to do not to be dope sick!!! Anything short of murder... Although I assume that I was not to far off from being willing to kill someone for my next trip to oblivion. Sad.
So I'm still watching the drunk and I used to be just like him only worse... Or so I think. You know now, on the outside looking in, I see the insanity. I see the pain I thought drugs and alcohol would make go away. 14 years ago I set out like Dr. Jekyll to find a magic potion that would create a perfect world for me. I never considered that sobriety would be the magic potion... And even this is not perfect but it sure is a HELL OF A LOT BETTER THAN WHO/WHAT I WAS !!!!!!
I get home I share my story with my sponsor and he says "Well did you carry the message?" No I kept it to myself :(:(:( For this I feel like SHIT. But I now understand a lot more about myself and I also have a lot more respect for the new comer. The most important person in the meeting finally makes sense to me :):):)

Thank you drunk man in the alley. I wish I would have had the guts to talk to you and tell you their is a better way to live. Please forgive me.

So I started to clean my room today :):) almost done. I got overwhelmed after 2 hours and sat down on the carpet... I have carpet? Wow. LOL. Anyways I need to go to bed in awhile and I want to read some recovery material before I hit the sack.
Good night my friends
Merry CHRISTmas


sharonsjourney said...

That was me too. I used to wonder how I got there? I drank wine on the streets of Portland, and VanCouver B.C. Ever heard of Night Train? It hits you just like it's name. Both places have a great homeless community, they look out for each other, they have a newspaper, and council, just like a regular community. I'm very lucky that's where I wound up homeless. Portland has a cafe called 'Sisters of the Road' where you can work for a meal. If it makes you feel any better, it wouldn't have done any good at that point in my drinking for anyone to share the message. I just wasn't capable of hearing something like that, I wasn't there yet. Later I was tho. Just let that be a reminder of where you don't want to go again, ever!

dAAve said...

Personally, I would not bother with those guys. They would not remember anything you tell them.
I'm probably wrong in this attitude, but that's just my opinion.s

Alcoholic Brain said...

I think my sponsor would have said, "Thanks...You carried the message." By me sharing a story like that with him...

Good, sad, but eye opening experience.