Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Carrying the message
This tree is comming out of a crack in an enormous boulder. I don't understand how but WOW... hey that rymes LOL
"12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs"
Alcoholics Anonymous pg 60
Yesterday I was walking home and I walked past an alley way and saw two drunks. One was sitting on the ground trying to figure out why he was on the ground. Was I tying my shoe? Nope... What am I doing here? I don't know for sure about his buddy but this guy was defiantly off in oblivion.
I watched. His buddy seemed to be embarrassed, ashamed that he hung out with this guy. They could not see me and I didn't want to make myself noticed. Who knows what kind of drunks they are? And then it hit me. That was me almost 90 days ago. WOW!!! I actually loved that shit??? What was I thinking? When I was in the mindset to seek oblivion every day, I was not satisfied until I got their! The more dope I shot in my arm and the more booze I could consume the better. Living in my head sober was a self imposed hell and at the time oblivion was a much much happier place. And then I would begin to come down, run out of booze and I'd have no money to get more. But what ever happens I had better hurry cause I'm gonna be dope sick in about 45 min and if I do not get another shot of medication or a 5th oh whiskey to hold me over life is really going to be hell. Then my instinctual drive to "Survive" kicks in and I'll do what ever I have to do not to be dope sick!!! Anything short of murder... Although I assume that I was not to far off from being willing to kill someone for my next trip to oblivion. Sad.
So I'm still watching the drunk and I used to be just like him only worse... Or so I think. You know now, on the outside looking in, I see the insanity. I see the pain I thought drugs and alcohol would make go away. 14 years ago I set out like Dr. Jekyll to find a magic potion that would create a perfect world for me. I never considered that sobriety would be the magic potion... And even this is not perfect but it sure is a HELL OF A LOT BETTER THAN WHO/WHAT I WAS !!!!!!
I get home I share my story with my sponsor and he says "Well did you carry the message?" No I kept it to myself :(:(:( For this I feel like SHIT. But I now understand a lot more about myself and I also have a lot more respect for the new comer. The most important person in the meeting finally makes sense to me :):):)
Thank you drunk man in the alley. I wish I would have had the guts to talk to you and tell you their is a better way to live. Please forgive me.
So I started to clean my room today :):) almost done. I got overwhelmed after 2 hours and sat down on the carpet... I have carpet? Wow. LOL. Anyways I need to go to bed in awhile and I want to read some recovery material before I hit the sack.
Good night my friends
Posted by Greg at 17:42