What I should have shared...

My name Is Greg and I'm an addict. My mom died almost three years ago and I pretended it hurt. I pretended I was sad. Inside though I was glad the bitch was dead! Now I didn't have to deal with her shit or her husbands. Finally they would be out of my hair. 30 minutes before my mom passed away, I tried to make things right with her. Not for my sake but for hers. I wasn't done hating her and sometimes wonder if I still am? Living the addict life I never seem to stay in one place long enough to make friends or for anyone to locate me. Especially my step dad and my mother. About 7 months after my mother passed away I was still thinking it was all a hoax. My "parents" came up with this elaborate plan to get rid of me so they wouldn't have to deal with "Mr. Hyde." I was in the next state living in a random city in a random house of a girl that I met on the Greyhound bus. I came home from a day of "bag" hunting and their was a package for me...Cool I got mail...But wait who in the hell could possibly know that I was here? Rick P? But that's my step dad. HOW IN THE H...FUCK DID HE FIND ME??? I still have NO idea how in the hell he of all people found me! Anyways I was eager to see what he had taken time out of his day to mail me. I dreaded to discover what "hell" awaited me in the box (little did I know). It seemed all through my childhood years my step dad was always fucking shit up for me. Just to make me miserable I guess? I still cant understand why he had to make life so difficult. Never the less I was eager to discover the contents of my package. I sat down on the floor and braced myself (little did I know.) I opened the box...What is this little brown box? Oh theirs a post it note in his hand writing what does it say? Greg, These are your mothers ashes. Her last request was that you dump Her in the ocean. We are done DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN. Rick P

WHAM

My Whole world stopped!!! What a left hook! He kept to his normal style of fucking shit up for me. I was happy with the fact that moms "disappearance" was a hoax! BUT NOW I held her in my hands! Reality set in and I cried for the first time. And when mom and I got things right (for her benefit) I wish that I would have got things right for mine too. Cause now it's too late. Mom now lives in Bandon Oregon. I have been thinking a lot of her lately and wishing I didn't hate her any more and want her to be proud of me and wishing I had been a better son. Theirs that hind sight thing again. Anyways. I was making tons of excuses not to go to a meeting tonight and REALLY did not want to go to one!!! So I went to one! Death was the topic and...Well It hurt! But I'm glad I went!

On a separate note. On one hand I hate the misery in active addiction! On the other I Miss it so much. Hell It's normal for me! I so much want things to be normal again! I remember when I first left home at 14 to be homeless on the streets! THAT WAS ROUGH!!! Then I got used to it and then I became to love it and wanted nothing else for myself in life. I had arrived at the "good" life. Then it became redundant and I wanted something new. Discovered sticking a needle in my are was very nice. HELL. HELL oh did I say HELL!!! That became old faster than I expected (Thank God!) Now I'm starting over and I'm fucking scared!!! It's rough! I want things to level off and become "normal" but I'm not on the merry go round anymore and the roller coaster has MANY more twists and turns, Hills and valleys. The bitch is I can not get high and numb myself when it gets scary! I WANT TO GO DRINK OR GET HIGH SO FUCKING BAD RIGHT NOW ITS DRIVING ME FUCKING NUTS!!! I just want the new "insanity" of sobriety to STOP!!! I want to fucking kill Mr. Hyde.
The absence of pain is also driving me nuts! Can I take a razor blade and slice my arm open so I can get 100 stitches? Will I be able to chop off my left hand so I can get a hook? A hook would be so cool! I'm so close to relapse right now I'm fucking scared!!! I want to go get locked up so I'll be safe! All that will do though is prolong the high.
Maybe I should have shared?