WE AGNOSTICS

Good afternoon.
..."We had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn't. What was our choice to be?" big book page 53. I don't foresee that the God of the Bible...No the God of Curchey people is the one for me. Yes their is only one God I believe and it happens to be The God of the bible. Yet The whole church thing is weird to me!!! I don't like the "phonies" at most churches! Blah Blah pick pick. I don't find god in a church building where people have not been to hell and back! I find the spirit of God in the rooms of AA and NA where hell has been visited by us all. I also find The God of my understanding In nature, Flowers, animals, and the rare example in a human being. Yet I don't pray. I Don't seek God. I don't read My bibles (I have five) And I do not use the $1,000 worth of "study" help books on the bible that I own. I read my big book more often and go to meetings more than I read the bible or go to church. Maybe later in recovery I will be more comfortable with the God thing. The church thing. But for now I'll look for God in the rooms of AA and Na. People. And in Creation.
..."We missed the reality and the beauty of the forest because we were diverted by the ugliness of some of it's trees." Big book pg 50. Lately I have been looking at my tree and others trees and deciding to think that they are ugly trees. Today I have decided to be happy to be able to live in a "world" with trees (ugly or beautiful). Because only 2 years ago the only world I lived in was a living hell and who gives a damn about any fuckin trees lets just get to oblivion as fast and often as we can.
My addiction has been surfacing in Many other ways besides drug and alcohol use. I put myself in debt more and more each day. I was asked to go to Idaho next month for my daughters birth day. Can I go? Not by the current situation of my pocket book! FUCK!!!!! Stupid ass SAVE YOUR DAMN MONEY!!!
I purchased two NA books this week."It works, how and why" and "The Narcotics Anonymous Step Working Guide." Mr Hyde is freaking out! Man is he driving me nuts lately! He does not want me to Make Dr. Jekyll stronger! NO. NO. NO. He is pulling some shifty shit to get me to fuck up so he can "Come out and play again." I'm falling for it too! Spending $ is the foremost trick he's doing now! I figure this is what he is up to. Spend money beyond reason get in debt so far that I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel and then he'll convince me to gust give up and hit the road again until my debt "disappears." And in the mean time...Waiting for it to disappear...He can wreak havoc in my life again and we can go back to living in hell.