The Light.

Good Morning. The Light is on but no one is home. I have an empty gap in my heart. I seem to have left my heart in Idaho with my daughter! I'm Lost! I'm finding it very difficult to stay focused and work hard. My common sense has been shut off, and I can't remember shit! I'm slow and dumb at work. LOL. Kind of like the new little retarded kid at work I Guess. LOL.
On a lighter note:) I'm Finally in my own room again :):):) roommate #2 is gone and it seems to be a lot more ... Serene here in the house :) I bought a set of pans last night:) Another first for me:)
Have a good day everyone:) I must get ready for work:)

Stuck.

Good Afternoon. The wind has been blown out of my sails. I've been in a state of shock this last week. SO MANY things to take a look at. Where do I want to raise my kids. How do I want to raise my kids. How do I NOT want to raise my kids. Do I want to take my step son, or not? How do I raise kids? will I be a GOOD father? Yes. How will I ever have enough money? What do I currently have to change in my personal life in order to be a parent that can be able to lead by example. Damn thats a BIG one. Jobs. Education for me and for the kids. How will I find time for the kids, work, rest, and personal? food for 3. School supplies, clothes, Heat in the winter. And the list goes on. I'm trying to take it one day at a time. But I have this nagging voice that has convinced me to make a plan for the future. It seems that I have always lived for the moment. I do not think that this method would be good to use any longer with the prospect of being a single father of 2. Thank God that my wife is doing her thing. This is what I have been praying for for a long time. I have always wanted to be a single father. I just wish that I would have not waited so long to be a part of my daughters life. It has been way too long.

Reality beacon

Good morning. Home sweet home :):):) The reality beacon has been turned on. (Singing... I can see clearly now the rain is gone...I can see all the obstacles in my way...)



The picture before this I wasn't smiling. Amber said "Daddy you need to smile." so we took this picture. It's a fake smile. I was in no mood for a smile. Because moments later it would be good-bye. I tried not to cry, But...I did.



Yes that's right folk's...I'm the guy traveling with a 4' stuffed dog. My daughter gave this to me, right before she left she said it was "To remember her by." The tears welled up... And fell...



On the way their I ate yellow watermelon. Quite a different flavor and...Better than regular watermelon. Custody, school. Housing, clothes, medicine, Dr.'s, shoes, glasses, college, and boy friends, (better go find me a shotgun...) This is only to start the list.



Candy Land. Once a Child hood escape into a world not my own. A time when I had creativity and dreams. Now a boring game. All the fantasy's, and mystery, Eaten up by puberty, And addiction.



Girl friend: "Greg I'm pregnant"
Greg: "OH F**K!!!!!"
Mr, Hyde: "RUUUUUNN!!!!!!!"
Dr, Jekyll: "Ruuuuuun!!!"
Greg: "Run!!!"
Greg: "See ya!! Bye bye now."
Wife: "You bastard where are you going?"
Mr. Hyde: "SWEET lets have some fun."

...6 years later I can't understand WTF Was I thinking??? Seeing my daughter this last weekend has replentished my pride in being a father. And for this I'm EXTREMELY grAAteful.

WOO HOO :):):):):):):):):):)

GOOD MORNING:):):)

vacation day 4

Good morning:):) Happy HNT. Things are going well here. I plan to go to an AA meeting today:):):) ok have a good day
yfg

Welcome to Idaho

Good morning. All is well so far today. It's cloudy and wet here and I will be seeing my daughter today:):):):) I have pics to share but I cant find the usb port. so till tommrow.
Gregory

Were off to see the Wizzard.

Good morning. Well I'm Off. I'll try my best to let ya'all know how my vacation is going.

Scared

Good morning. I have so much stuff to do today. I didn't do hardly anything yesterday.
This morning I wish I knew what God's plan is. Does he want me to live here in WA or in ID with my daughter? Stay here or relocate? Stay here (out of jail,) Go (possibly end up in jail.) I really don't know how to pack my things. Should I pack as if all will be well and I'll be coming Home in a week or should I pack like I expect to get arrested and I may not be coming back in 6 months or so? Do I take everything of value with me?

I have been a nervous wreck the last 2 days. I HATE BEING LOCKED UP!!! I suppose then I shouldn't have ran from this issue 4 years ago. Who knows I may possibly be able to "fly" in under the radar, and have a great time all week. And I may not. I'm ok with getting this taken care of. At first it will be quite painful but in the long run it will reap many rewards.

A few months ago (or more???) I wrote in my journal to my daughter that I would do anything for her. Except go to jail. And now I suppose that I'm willing to even go to jail, should that be the case. I think that this vacation is going to be a very different experience for me. I don't think that I will be just going their and coming back. No I think their is a hidden left hook somewhere. This could also be my paranoia seeping through?

I plan to blog at least once while I'm their. But for now I have a very busy day today and I must get started.
I hope all is well with all of you.
have a great day.
Merry CHRISTmas.
Gregory

Visit maggie HERE

Woo Hoo

I'm on vacation

Finally it's Friday.

This picture does not display size very well:( This is an enormous pancake. It took 2 of us to flip it:) Just picture a smiley face on it, it looks better:)

Good morning. WOW 34 hours in 3 days. I'm going to love this check:):):) I'm so glad it's my Friday:):):) VACATION TIME WOO HOO :):):) All is well here in my world.
I need to get a life! Eat, Sleep, Work. It seems that this is all I do! ...Smoke pot, Slam dope, lay in the park. Is what I'm accustomed to. So In this case change is defiantly good. I just have to learn how to say no a little more often when I'm asked to fill in the blanks in the schedule...Nah really I don't mind working so much. It's really slowing down and so I expect that next month I'll probably have more free time:)

I Found my happy place on Thursday :):):) I'm very excited about this:):):) I have been looking 4 a happy place to go to when things are rough for a long time:( I finally found it:):):)

hagd
mC
yfg

Mr. M's day.off :):):)

What a good day it is when Mr. Anal retentive is not their. LOL. In fact he was supposed to be in 4 work @ 4pm 4 an orentation. Guess what...Mr. M (the general mgr) was a no call no show. it sucks cause I suppose shit floats and he's the top floater and we cant seem to flush him. LOL. I worked 11 hrs today so I'm going 2 bed. Happy early hnt to u all and hope u all have a good HNT. I'm so excited to go see my daughter:):):) the days seem to go by slower and slower the closer it gets.
good night my friends
Greg

A rough day

this picture is of the moon. I think it lookes cool above wendys.

It was a rough day! Mr. M was a ... uhm.... super dick! oh well 3 days 2 go and then 10 days off :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)
I'm on the phone with my daughter right now :):):)
Oh it was so hard not to tell her I was going to be their for her birth day. she says "Daddy my birthday is next week." "I know honey." "Iwish you could be here daddy." "Me 2 amber." Oh it was so hard not to ruin the suprise. anyways I must go to bed and I hope my day goes better tommrow.

I slept in

Good morning:) I Don't have 2 b @ play time till 8 :):):( Today's goals: Pull out step one and start working on that again, call my daughter, enjoy work, have fun, keep a positive attitude, smile and make people laugh:)
I'll let ya know how it turns out but 4 now I must prepare 4 the day.
P.S. I'm lonely. I want a dog. Or start a relationship with a Woman. I need something to love. And something to return my Love.
hadg yfg

As requested

An almost clean room...

What is this thing? How do I use it?

Put your right foot in. Put your right foot out, and shake it all about.

A clean room...

Woo Hoo:):) It's finally clean:):):) I feel so much better. My best friend came in and thought he had walked into the wrong house. LOL.
Thakns Gwen. I was going to put off the step between an almost clean room and a clean room.

3 months old

"The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death." big book pg 30

Today I'm grateful 4:

1:) A day off:):):)
2:) Nasty coffee.
3:) Back 2 hideously dry tobacco.
4:) A Day off:):):)
5:) An almost clean room.
6:) Music.
7:) A day off:):):)
8:) Food.
9:) Friends.
10:) A day off:):):)
11:) I'm not medicating my disease with drugs and alcohol but with AA and NA some step work and A sponsor. Toss in some service work and a bit of good attitude and so far so good:):):)x333
12:) I don't have to feed the monkey... No I don't have to feed the gorilla on my back anymore.
13:) I don't have a chip on my shoulder today.
14:) A day off:):):)
15:) A fresh pot of folgers brewing:)
16:) Mr. M
17:) Walking to and from work 4 eleven days:) Oh was it beautiful:)
18:) I work the 05:30 to 15:00 shift all week next week and get to walk to work at 03:30 again:):):)
19:) A day off:):):)
20:) My ingrown toe nail has healed.
21:) Petrol has temporally gone under $3 a gallon.
22:) 26 days till roommate #2 moves out :)x333,333,333.
23:) An increasing desire to become closer to my HP.
24:) WOO HOO :):):) I've been sober 90 days now. :):):)
25:) I'm not in THIS
mess any more:):):)
26:) AHHH Folgers.
27:) Sober insanity v.s. Alcoholic insanity.
28:) Sobriety.
29:) 9 days till vacation.
30:) All of u:)
31:) Snow at CHRISTmas. (I cant wait till CHRISTmas)
32:) The elusive skunk that wont stay still long enough 4 me 2 take his pic the last 3 times I've seen him.
33:) Using dreams/Waking up sober:):):)
34:) So far 11 super fantastic days in a row:):):)
35:) The proverbial pink cloud
36:) some good pics this week


Seconds before my "alarm clock" came tearing through:)

37:) I've paid rent again. This makes 5 months now, and yet another miracle in sobriety.
38:) A day off:):):)
39:) Advice from dAAve to pray positive things 4 roommate #2. Thanks dAAve.
40:) Music on my blog. Thanks Gwen
41:) Kel Constantly reminding me of my "old ways" and 4 the prince to remind me where I do not want 2 go again.
42:) My nocturnal friends in the park the Coons, Skunk, Frog and Herons.
43:) Laundry. Finally I get 2 do some laundry:):):)
44:) I remembered 2 turn off the water in the tub today:) usually I forget and let it run for 45 min or more.
45:) A bad day sober is BETTER than a good day intoxicated:):):)
46:) I don't have a catheter:):):) LOL I p freely.LOL (I find this very funny 4 some reason. Sorry)
47:) Earl grey tea and cammo-meal tea (spelling of course)
48:) I'm not homeless:):):)
49:) I have a Computer.
50:) A great job/A day off.
51:) 4 once in life I'm finally a person people enjoy being around.
52:) I don't steal anymore.
53:) My honesty improves daily:):):)
54:) Sober I remember what I'm learning, v.s. intoxicated I learn what I remember and that's to stay loaded. (Does this make sense?)
55:) I don't have 2 chase oblivion, or the bag/bottle.:):):)x3
56:) My perspective on life has done an about face:):):)
57:) I'm not as stupid as I was when I was a teenager.
58:) I can say NO!!! And b ok with that.
59:) Breakfast. Green beans and chocolate frosting... Yummy. (refer to #27. LOL)
60:) People who care about me v.s. people who despise me.
61:) Bill and Dr. Bob
62:) Foot ball season.
63:) A gr8 relationship with my Dad and Mom
64:) Mom might be meeting me in Idaho.
65:) Tossing back a cold one after work no longer means beer or a long island ice tea, but a nice cold safeway select soda.:):):)
66:) Usually I get up @ 02;00. Today I slept in until )7:50.
67:) Home alone.
68:) The weather is coolin off :):)
69:) I'm not in a relationship. Although it would b nice 2 share my love.
70:) Looking up. I have reviewed my camping trip pic's and I've noticed that every one I'm looking up. Usually I'm too ashamed to look up and hang my head. Yet another sober miracle:):):)
71:) Blogger, 4 giving me a place to share. Free.
72:) A new found respect 4 the new comer.
73:) I just finished adding links to peoples blogs that I visit:):)

Ok I've got to get off of here It's 11:05 I've got to do stuff around the house. Hagd my friends yfg
merry CHRISTmas

Looking up

Good morning:) I'm starting a new fassion club:) cammo and plad. what do u think? I wore this ensamble last night to a meeting and 2 people said "only u r crazy enough to wear that in public." LOL
Have a good day all I have to get ready 4 work. FINNALY its my friday. 11 days now I've worked in a row:):):( 1 day off then 5 more, 2 off, 1 more then 7 off. Woo Hoo vacation time:):):) I'm going on vacation 4 my daughters birthday.
have a good day my friends
Gregory
Merry CHRISTmas

About my day

Ahh 3:45 am the American Flag and the full moon on a Beautiful morning :)


My friends the raccoons :) I see them every morning :) This one wasn't quite close enough for the flash to get a good pic


This Frog has been on the same fountain 2 mornings in a row and is the reason I brought my camera to work with me :)


5:55 am The first eggs on the grill and some sausage.


About 9 am and this crow lives close to work. I wish this pic had turned out better too.


After work about 3:30 pm. I was mistaken 3 times as a Safeway employee. I had a blast helping people like I knew what I was doing. And the emotions they went through when they took a closer look at my wendys hat and name tag, it dawned on them that they had made fools of themselves and I do not work at safeway... It was gr8 :):):)


I have been racking my brain how to post a smiley face for every one. Well here it is. So here is a smiley for all of you from a very tired me :)


Happy hnt everyone :) I suppose I was a little eager to post so I got it ready last night so all I had to do is post publish this morning... I thought it would be stamped as Published this morning. Anyways it's (Holy cow) 5:14pm I have about 20 min before I have to go to bed. Good night and hope every one has had a good day:):):)
Merry CHRISTmas
yfg

Carrying the message

This tree is comming out of a crack in an enormous boulder. I don't understand how but WOW... hey that rymes LOL


"12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs"
Alcoholics Anonymous pg 60

Yesterday I was walking home and I walked past an alley way and saw two drunks. One was sitting on the ground trying to figure out why he was on the ground. Was I tying my shoe? Nope... What am I doing here? I don't know for sure about his buddy but this guy was defiantly off in oblivion.
I watched. His buddy seemed to be embarrassed, ashamed that he hung out with this guy. They could not see me and I didn't want to make myself noticed. Who knows what kind of drunks they are? And then it hit me. That was me almost 90 days ago. WOW!!! I actually loved that shit??? What was I thinking? When I was in the mindset to seek oblivion every day, I was not satisfied until I got their! The more dope I shot in my arm and the more booze I could consume the better. Living in my head sober was a self imposed hell and at the time oblivion was a much much happier place. And then I would begin to come down, run out of booze and I'd have no money to get more. But what ever happens I had better hurry cause I'm gonna be dope sick in about 45 min and if I do not get another shot of medication or a 5th oh whiskey to hold me over life is really going to be hell. Then my instinctual drive to "Survive" kicks in and I'll do what ever I have to do not to be dope sick!!! Anything short of murder... Although I assume that I was not to far off from being willing to kill someone for my next trip to oblivion. Sad.
So I'm still watching the drunk and I used to be just like him only worse... Or so I think. You know now, on the outside looking in, I see the insanity. I see the pain I thought drugs and alcohol would make go away. 14 years ago I set out like Dr. Jekyll to find a magic potion that would create a perfect world for me. I never considered that sobriety would be the magic potion... And even this is not perfect but it sure is a HELL OF A LOT BETTER THAN WHO/WHAT I WAS !!!!!!
I get home I share my story with my sponsor and he says "Well did you carry the message?" No I kept it to myself :(:(:( For this I feel like SHIT. But I now understand a lot more about myself and I also have a lot more respect for the new comer. The most important person in the meeting finally makes sense to me :):):)

Thank you drunk man in the alley. I wish I would have had the guts to talk to you and tell you their is a better way to live. Please forgive me.

So I started to clean my room today :):) almost done. I got overwhelmed after 2 hours and sat down on the carpet... I have carpet? Wow. LOL. Anyways I need to go to bed in awhile and I want to read some recovery material before I hit the sack.
Good night my friends
Merry CHRISTmas
yfg

Procrastination at it's best

Good evening :):):) Well Here are 6 pictures of my happy, cozy little room :):):)
I must add it has never been quite this clean LOL This is a product of 2 weeks worth of saying AHHH Fuck I'll do it later.








Note: My sleeping bag on the floor. I sleep on the clean space. yea I know It's not much but it works


The line is the thresh hold ot my room. I'm starting to seep past it

Too Too Twain

AHHH Goodd after noon :):):) two smileys remain :):) Last night I volunterred at the alano club and 1/2 way through my shift I decided that when I got home I was going to throw some stuff togther and go camping by work some where close so I wouldent be late. Well I was worried about sleeping in and being late 4 work and then I rememberd that A train leaves town every morning about 04:30. My best friend gave me a ride and thought a Lunacy commision should be appointed Perhaps he was right. Betting on a train that might not run on a holiday was risky!!! But once I get an idea in my head sometimes I cant stop the decision. Well I'm pleased to report that Burlington Northern Sants Fe Railroad came through in fine style :):):) )4:30 on the dot the train went by :):):) They were even nice enough to send one out at 05:00 just to make sure I hadent fallen back asleep :) Oh and one at 11:30 pm, 2am, and 3:35Am. I slept about 35 40 feet from the tracks so when a train went by I KNEW IT !!! the first one scared the crap out of me!!! LOL. Anyways I climbed out of my sleeping bag @ 05:00 got dressed packed up my things and was at work by 05:15. Shaved and was ready to work at 5:30. :):):) Thanks bnsf for being such a perfect alarm clock :):):) I worked till 11:30 then went off in the woods again and wrote in my journal for an hr or so then took a nap and then came home :):):) Now I Must do laundry and prepare for another day at play time tommrow :):) hagn friends yfg

Ok so heres a silly pic of me with socks on my head and my huge head phones.

Theirs nothing in the lettuce water.

Good morning :)Sunday my favorite day :) plus I get off work at 11 today. WOO HOO :):):) Butter flys are hard to photograph :( they just don't stay still long enough :( These two did stay still and although not very good pictures I'm happy to have them :)
I walked home from work yesterday and took the senic route. The pic above was taken in the state park. The below pic was taken on the bike path about 15 blocks from home.
This week has been a SUPER week :):):) LOL Friday I drew smiley faces in random spots at work. About 50 of them. When one of my co-workers came to work he said oh Mrs. SS (The night mgr, different from Mrs. S the day mgr.) Is mad at you! Why? She said those smilies where every where. LOL She came in yesterday and as soon as we made eye contact we bolth started to laugh. 20 survived the night. I wonder how many made it through last night???
Well lets see here ... Today I'm grateful for:
1) Butter flys.
2) roommate #2's time here I believe is short :):):)
3) a short day.
4) the path less traveled.
5) hazelnut coffee.
6) Friends.
7) friends in blogdom.
8) Family.
9) Family in recovery.
10) 16 days till I see my daughter :):):)
11) hideously dry tobacco is better than no tobacco.
12) peace and quiet :):):)
13) I haven't seen roommate 2 in 50 hours.

I'm really running behind this morning usually I'm 1/2 way to play time now. I must go hagd my friends yfg

Breakfast

Good morning :)
Good afternoon :):)
Good evening :):):) and
Good night :):):):)
I'm behind schedule this morning so I gotta go have a gr8 day :)

3 am

Good Morning. I slept so good last night :):):) Yesterday was one of those days. One of those days where everything just goes right:) Mr. M about fell over when I volunteered for fries. Because I HATE fries and he knows it. I don't know it just seemed like a good day to do fries so I did it :):):) in 18 days I will be on a bus to Idaho to see my daughter :):):):) x333. I'm SO excited :):):) I'm walking to work again :) yesterday I only heard 2 birds :(:( Normally the park is teeming with wildlife. When I went camping I was surprised to see only a very small selection of wildlife. I wonder where all the wild life went?

Todaay I am graateful for:
1) Waking up sober :)
2) My Job.
3) Mr. M has been in a good mood the last week :):):)
4) Mr. Hyde is quieting down :)
5) My health. I'm able to walk to work.
6) My increasing mental health. It seems every day I stay sober a little more of the insanity dissipates :):):)x333.
7) Fall is VERY close :)
8) Friends.
9) Bad days! They help me appreciate the good days a little more :)
10) A warm place to lay my head at night.
11) Being a responsible productive member of society.
12) Whole milk.
13) Step work. It shines the beam on Mr. Hyde. Painful but it exposes him :):) that's a good thing :):)
14) clean clothes.
15 My sunburn does not hurt anymore but itches like crazy.
16) My mom will be joining me in Idaho :):) she is The best mom ever and I look forward to seeing her.

Theirs more I'm grateful for but I must get ready for work... Play time :):):) AHHH one more.
17) I have a smile on my face :):):)

Ok my friends have a super fantastic day today :):):) Stay out of trouble. Enjoy the sunrise:) Merry CHRISTmas. YFG

3 Questions.

Good Mroning.
1) Principles before personalities. Their is a personality I cant stand... In fact I hate! (Resentments are the #1 offender...) I just cant seem to find a "Happy" place with this individual. I can't find the principle. What is principle?
2) Have you ever wanted some thing so bad that you would do ANYTHING for it? Here are the things I want real bad:
a) Sobriety
b) Custody of my daughter
c) Love...
...That's funny...
a) That we were alcoholic and...
B) That probably no human power..
C) That God could and would if he were sought.
Look to God Greg. Quit focusing on the Evil bitch... Live and let live. I was thinking of my selfish desires in the first set of abc then Dr. Jekyll reminded me of the other set... Things that make you go Hummmm. I wonder what he is trying to tell me???

3)Trudging said...

Great pictures! I am glad that you stayed sober but, what are you doing going camping with people who drink and drug.

Greg said...

I didn't go camping with anyone that used drugs or anything else. It was our neighbors at the camp ground. They invited us over for dinner. Woo hoo free food. So we went. They happen to be active in their addiction and asked us and we said no!!!

I am glad to have gone camping with my Best friend/sponsor :):):)
Yesterday was great:) although I was still camping, I still found it easy to do what I had to do:) Mr. M Is being weird lately. He's trying to make jokes... Hummm Keep it up Mr. M :):):) we love it :):):)
I must get ready for play time hagd all yfg

3 Days

Good evening. I Had a great time the last 3 days. I don't want to be home yet but oh well. We took 123 pictures so stay tuned to flickr to see our camping adventures. Last night at the...
Something very strange happened to me. Something that has NEVER happened to me in my life...
I said NO to pot and good 'ol veno. I went to bed sober and woke up sober:):):):):):) Last night was the roughest night of sleep I've had in a long time. I slept on the ground in the dirt. Last night the wind was horrendous!!! I went to bed about two am this morning after tramping through the woods in the dark for 3 hours. Went to bed and woke up freezing my ass off and getting sand blasted in my face. That was 4:30 then I made a pot of coffee and went back to bed and was miserable till I got up 3 1/2 hrs later. Do you think I had enough common sense to go sleep in the 3 man tent with only one person? Hell no! Stupid ass. At least I had enough common sense to say no and stay sober! I'm off to bed I'm exhausted so I'll talk more in the morning.

Perfect:):):)

Good afternoon. Today was Perfect. Everything went right today:):):) I even learned how to say, "The white cat poops hot chili." LOL yea I know, I'm a little weird but who isn't in their own way.
I have plans to go camping tomorrow. I hope they do not fall through. I'll...Powerless...I'll just sit around the house or go camp by the river...They wont fall through though.
Ok so here's the weirdest thing that happened to me today. I woke up and was tired so I skipped a lot of things I needed to do like take a shower, eat, shave or put clean underwear on. I sat here all morning drinking coffee and playing on the computer. I left the house at the last possible second before I went to work. I got to work 9 minutes later than normal. (usually I'm 15 min early. Today I was 6 minutes early.) So I hadn't realized that it was Saturday, (my brain says Friday) and Mr. M works the breakfast shift on Saturday and Sunday. So excited on one hand and apprehensive on the other I buzz at the back door to be let in. Buenos dias senior M. Buenos dias senior Gregorio. Mr. M "Wow your early. That's Good!" That made him smile ear to ear. So I'm just waiting for the moment that he falls in line with his normal pain in the ass attitude...Waiting...Waiting... He shows me some weird stuff on the oven. I guess in case I need to fix it some day I'll know how. Waiting... And then A left hook. I knew it was going to happen at some point. But I had no Idea what I was expecting. Mr. M says "Greg I'm going next door to get coffee. Would you like anything?" HOLY SHIT!!! I didn't know what to say. Weather to fall over in astonishment or be thankful. "What would you like?"... Stutter... uhm... "Surprise me." I said. He said "You shure?" "Yup" And he left. I think he must have had marathon sex yesterday, got a good night sleep And came to work in A... What was it I said yesterday? Ah yes "Fantastically strange" mood. I tell you what that was some damn good coffee. I was expecting a small plain coffee. No sir It was a venti something or other... It was GOOD :):):) That made my whole morning :):):) Ok well I'll post again but for now It's nap time TTFN yfg

Languages

Good Evening:):):) What a Good day:) Their are four of us at work actively learning the opposite language. 3 are learning English, And me Spanish. I LOVE it:):):) Mr. M just used to look at me like I was stupid. Now he is starting to speak to me in Spanish:):):) This is a miracle!!! Anyways the 4 of us spend a lot of time "Trading words." Some times we get caught up in learning each others language and we forget were at work and have things to do. Mr. M does not get mad or annoyed, but politely reminds us to stay focused. THIS IS A HUGE MIRACLE!!!!!!!!! I rode home with one of the ladies that I learn from, It was great:):):) Now I just need to find some Spanish people to talk to while I'm not at work so I don't have to worry about staying focused on work when I want to stay focused on learning another language.
I also can "speak" sign language. Although very rusty I still know enough to hold a conversation:) Maybe I should go to a Spanish church. Meet some nice Spanish people...Maybe find a nice senorita...Get married and have...mexlets,,,LOL...mexlets...LOL...Where did I come up with that? LOL. NO! NO! NO! No senorita Gregorio. Wait one more year. Then you can go looking for sinoritas. Mr. Hyde: "You could go to the bars in town and learn Spanish from the Mexicans their. I promise I wont ask for a beer." Dr. Jekyll: "Yea I think the Spanish church thing is a good idea I'll Go with that. Oh Mr. Hyde did you say something? I did not hear you, I uhm "lost" my hearing aid."
I have been very sarcastic lately. I wonder if that's ok? I'm on question 3 of my step work. This makes me happy and yet at the same time it's hard. I've spent most of...1/2 of my life. I've spent 1/2 my life avoiding myself. Now I have to turn around and take a GOOD LONG LOOK at myself and say hummmm...I...No I do not want to look through "pot" colored glasses cause then My vision would be distorted again and that's the whole thing . All my life my "vision" has been distorted and I have a queer (weird or fantastically strange) idea of reality. I Like my new perspective of reality and from what I hear it only gets better...Hey I could go to the Spanish AA meetings. That would be 1) a Place to go for MY recovery and 2) I could learn some more Spanish.
wow I talk a lot. That's ok. Well I suppose Beings I need to get up @ 2am again I had better eat dinner and go to bed. Good night and hope to talk to you all tomorrow. Oh My sponsor and I have decided to go camping for my 3 days off so if you don't hear from me no worries. I'm in good hands with Allstate. gn gb yfg

Big Book

Good morning. I had a Great day yesterday. In regards to yesterdays post. Just let it go man. Just let it go! I work my favorite shift today and tomorrow. 5:30am to 15:00.
then I'm going to be as lazy as I possibly can on my three...Yes 3 days off :):):) Beings it's almost 3am here I HOPE that I will have the house to myself and everyone will stay fast asleep. I have no idea why I said that I was going to work the club tonight. I don't think it would be very wise. By the time I get home I will only get 2 hours of sleep to have to turn around and wake up and work 10 hours...Ahhh it's (my) Friday with 3 days off to follow, why the heck not!

Today I am grateful for:
1) Being sober.
2) Being employable.
3) Being more honest than I was in my addiction.
4) Being responsible.
5) Being alive.
6) Being healthy.
7) Being creative.
8) I'm smiling about roommate #2 getting coffee right now. Yesterday I wanted to poke her eye out. So much for quiet time...Oh well it's all good.
9) Public transportation.
10) I don't have cancer...Yet.
11)
...Talking...

So I have been bringing my big book to work, and reading it at every opportunity I can. I have been really active in my recovery lately and I like it! My general manager is a normie and he asked me what I was reading...uhm..."My big book." he looked at me kind a funny. "No not the bible"...Puzzled he walked away. I smiled and Hope this question was in the back of his head all day. "What the heck is the big book?"
Well so much for QUIET TIME. Roommate #2 is up. She just talked my ear off. Very LOUD talker. Now she has her radio blaring at 3:30 in the am...Poor sleeping roommate #1. SHHHHHH ITS QUIET TIME!!!!! Ok I must get ready for play time... It is going to be a super fantastic day today. I probably will not post until Saturday night or Sunday morning so till then hagd my friends yfg

Pull your weight.

Good Morning.
I'm sleepy. I just woke up! Yea the coffee is done. BRB...Ooh...ahhh...
MANY times in past rental situations I have NOT pulled my weight! 2 or 3 months behind in rent, and food what's that? Why in the heck would I buy food? I'll just eat your food.
...Forgive us as we forgive those who trespass against us...Roommate #2 has not bought groceries this month! Man it is REALLY disturbing me! Every time she goes to the kitchen to get a soda, a cup of coffee, a bowl of cereal, or just to see what's their. I get ANGRY! Don't eat my food Bitch! I wouldn't give a damn if roommate #2 would buy food! She gets money on food stamps! But like I said maybe it's time I pull someone else's weight for a change. It HURTS and I DO NOT like it, but now I'm able to experience what burden my active addiction was on other people. It is only right to "put the shoe on the other foot" right?

I started working step one last night...Well I started the first question yesterday morning. Got stumped at the first question and thought about it for 10 hours, then started writing. The question. "What does the disease of addiction mean to me?" So far I have...5 pages going. I thought I was going to have a hard time answering it!

Just for today my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life with out the use of drugs.
Just for today I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in me recovery.
Just for today I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability.
Just for today through NA I will try to get a better perspective on my life.
Just for today I will be unafraid, my thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new way of life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
copied from the NA book "Just for today."

hagd all and hope all is well it your heads. Merry CHRISTmas...Roommate #2 gets coffee...Bitch put it back!!! That's mine! God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.

Ok Ok I'll let her have only one cup! Just one, then she can make coffee with her own grounds...Wait she doesn't have any. Oh darn...Look at me. Why so hate full?
Mr. Hyde: "BEER"
Dr. Jekyll: "NO"
ok all have a good day and I will continue later. Till then. God bless:):):)

STOP!!!

Good evening. The meeting tonight was good. Weird but good. A lot of new commers.
On my way to the club i walked past some rose bushes. I love the smell and beauty of roses. The voice in my head said STOP!!! So after years of not obeying that voice, I stoped. I was smelling a rose and it broke off. Darn...now I have to take it with me. Man what a sight I was walking down the street wearing a white t shirt, Plad shorts enormous headphones a bald head and a foot long stem below a huge beautiful pink rose. I felt like I was Huffing agian. lol. I couldent keep the thing out from under my nose. My alergies were begging me to STOP!!! but hell no this is good shit man. I have always loved roses yet never took the time in active addiction to STOP and smell the roses.
I have been desprate for sex/relationship, and discoverd today I've got a guy hot on my trail. STOP!!! STOP!!! STOP!!! NO! I MUST NOT GET IN TO ANY RELATIONSHIP!!! I am to young in my recovery! It will eventually lead back in to old behavior! Hell I'm not even done with step one let alone jumping to step 13! yet it would be nice to give and hopefully revieve love. What the hell is love? I love to get high. I love to destroy my life when I'm high. I love to comprimise my morals when I'm high. I love to steal when I'm high. I love to lie when I'm high. But to love another human? What the fuck is that? I could even say To love MYSELF What the HELL is that? STOP!!! do not even get started in a relationship!!! Mr. Hyde "come on it will only be a one night stand it's ok." Dr. jekyll NO! tonight a one night stand tommrow, the next day, next month it will turn into a can of worms we shouldent have opend! Mr. Hyde But he wont ask you to get High. Dr. Jekyll. Thats precisley the reason I will not take this to the next level because one day If he were to ask. I would absouletly say yes and I do not have another recovery attempt in me! I wont even try to get sober agian. STOP!!! RUN! Back off!
Ok I must go to bed now good night I'll hope to post before I go to play time tommrow.
yfg
...hummm spell check does not work tonight??? oh well:)

Oops did I do that?

Good evening.
Did I really post a blank post? HA.HA. All is well here. I Never made it to a meeting yesterday but I plan to go to one tonight. I had a good day at play time. and I have decided to go to Idaho for my daughters birthday. I put in for the time off this morning.
How much is gas where you live? $3.19 a gallon here for the "CHEAP" stuff.
not much to report from this end I got my web cam hooked up yesterday and so I might go find some people to talk to. I have an hour to kill before I need to take off so till tommrow morning have a good night all. yfg

What I did today

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Lasagana

SWEET JESUS I LOVE THIS SHIT!!! THANKS SAFEWAY

MUST SEE THIS VIDEO: Click here

Amusement Park 101

Good Morning. Weee what a ride. Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...
Wow What a night! Glad I'm waking up sober at home drinking coffee than at the river drinking beer! It's difficult to remember One Day at a time!
Laundry day again and I must clean me room...More coffee I need more coffee!
Todaay I'm graateful for:
1) Sober today.
2) Roy.
3) Car problems last night. I got to meet another addict from LA. Maybe friends?
4) Bananas.
5) Day off #2.
6) Music.
7) Gillette Power razors! These things are great I love then! I shaved my head last night in under 30 min. WOW! Thanks Gillette.
8) Play time.
9) the ONLY bridge I didn't burn in Idaho happens to be the bridge that I have to cross to get my daughter back.
10) Amber Rayne (my daughter.)
11) Food in the fridge.
12) I'm not homeless today!
13) Another rent receipt.
14) Fall is almost here. I cant wait for snow!
15) Everyone that showed up to the meeting last night.
16) I didn't have to do dishes yesterday.
17) Honestly things are not as bad as I felt last night! Things are really ok.
18) I'm glad I have my left hand and no stiches. (see my last post)
19) I miss my mother. But grateful she does not have to suffer anymore.

... I hear a sparrow:):):):):):):)

20) Tod. I would like to emulate your love for God and others. Thanks.
21) Fellow bloggers. Who read and comment! Thanks. Thank you. No really THANK YOU!!!
22) Blogger. For providing a FREE (my favorite word) service. A place where I can be me.

...Am I grateful for 100 things???

23) I'm glad my wife is in active addiction so It improves my chances to get Amber.
24) I'm SOOO Glad I do not have to live with that...Woman anymore!
25) My higher power.
26) I'm grateful I don't have cancer. This disease although Rough, Cancer is probably worse?
27) a noon meeting today.
28) Copenhagen.
29) Alfredo. Minny's beta fish. Alfredo and I have Bonded a lot in the last month. I'm going to miss the 'ol chap when "he" moves out.
30) Recovery books.
31) Bill and Dr. Bob.
32) My stupid iPod.
33) I'm single and I do not have to deal with women. From past experience their (most not all) psycho. Maybe I'll find Gods miracle woman for me... Some day.
34) More coffee.
35) I've never killed anyone
36) Today I do not have to be a man whore to get my next dose of oblivion:):):):):)
37) My head is sooo smooth.
38) Raisin bran...Not too much now Greg...LOL.
39) The WWW.
40) CHRISTmas. I cant wait till CHRISTmas.
41) The desire to STAY sober.
42) AA
43) NA
44) Anonmyity (Spelling)
45) Toilet paper. Not leaves.
50) ...Yeah ok...Responsibility.
51) Music.
52) Air conditioning.
53) Mr. M. Sharpening my people skills.
54) Mrs. S. Letting me slack on my people skills.
55) Coffee.
56) Alano club.
57) Learning spanish.
58) No Mr. Hyde were not grateful for beer.
59) I get another chance to try again today.
... Man this is getting tough! 100 I dont think I can do it.
60) Annoying people on Yahoo messenger who keep interupting me.
61) The serinity prayer.
62) ...

Ok thats all I'm thinking of shit to make up now. Wow 61. I suppose I do have something to be grateful for. No sense in watching thoes all disapear with each can of beer!
Hagd all. yfG

What I should have shared...

My name Is Greg and I'm an addict. My mom died almost three years ago and I pretended it hurt. I pretended I was sad. Inside though I was glad the bitch was dead! Now I didn't have to deal with her shit or her husbands. Finally they would be out of my hair. 30 minutes before my mom passed away, I tried to make things right with her. Not for my sake but for hers. I wasn't done hating her and sometimes wonder if I still am? Living the addict life I never seem to stay in one place long enough to make friends or for anyone to locate me. Especially my step dad and my mother. About 7 months after my mother passed away I was still thinking it was all a hoax. My "parents" came up with this elaborate plan to get rid of me so they wouldn't have to deal with "Mr. Hyde." I was in the next state living in a random city in a random house of a girl that I met on the Greyhound bus. I came home from a day of "bag" hunting and their was a package for me...Cool I got mail...But wait who in the hell could possibly know that I was here? Rick P? But that's my step dad. HOW IN THE H...FUCK DID HE FIND ME??? I still have NO idea how in the hell he of all people found me! Anyways I was eager to see what he had taken time out of his day to mail me. I dreaded to discover what "hell" awaited me in the box (little did I know). It seemed all through my childhood years my step dad was always fucking shit up for me. Just to make me miserable I guess? I still cant understand why he had to make life so difficult. Never the less I was eager to discover the contents of my package. I sat down on the floor and braced myself (little did I know.) I opened the box...What is this little brown box? Oh theirs a post it note in his hand writing what does it say? Greg, These are your mothers ashes. Her last request was that you dump Her in the ocean. We are done DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN. Rick P

WHAM

My Whole world stopped!!! What a left hook! He kept to his normal style of fucking shit up for me. I was happy with the fact that moms "disappearance" was a hoax! BUT NOW I held her in my hands! Reality set in and I cried for the first time. And when mom and I got things right (for her benefit) I wish that I would have got things right for mine too. Cause now it's too late. Mom now lives in Bandon Oregon. I have been thinking a lot of her lately and wishing I didn't hate her any more and want her to be proud of me and wishing I had been a better son. Theirs that hind sight thing again. Anyways. I was making tons of excuses not to go to a meeting tonight and REALLY did not want to go to one!!! So I went to one! Death was the topic and...Well It hurt! But I'm glad I went!

On a separate note. On one hand I hate the misery in active addiction! On the other I Miss it so much. Hell It's normal for me! I so much want things to be normal again! I remember when I first left home at 14 to be homeless on the streets! THAT WAS ROUGH!!! Then I got used to it and then I became to love it and wanted nothing else for myself in life. I had arrived at the "good" life. Then it became redundant and I wanted something new. Discovered sticking a needle in my are was very nice. HELL. HELL oh did I say HELL!!! That became old faster than I expected (Thank God!) Now I'm starting over and I'm fucking scared!!! It's rough! I want things to level off and become "normal" but I'm not on the merry go round anymore and the roller coaster has MANY more twists and turns, Hills and valleys. The bitch is I can not get high and numb myself when it gets scary! I WANT TO GO DRINK OR GET HIGH SO FUCKING BAD RIGHT NOW ITS DRIVING ME FUCKING NUTS!!! I just want the new "insanity" of sobriety to STOP!!! I want to fucking kill Mr. Hyde.
The absence of pain is also driving me nuts! Can I take a razor blade and slice my arm open so I can get 100 stitches? Will I be able to chop off my left hand so I can get a hook? A hook would be so cool! I'm so close to relapse right now I'm fucking scared!!! I want to go get locked up so I'll be safe! All that will do though is prolong the high.
Maybe I should have shared?

WE AGNOSTICS

Good afternoon.
..."We had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn't. What was our choice to be?" big book page 53. I don't foresee that the God of the Bible...No the God of Curchey people is the one for me. Yes their is only one God I believe and it happens to be The God of the bible. Yet The whole church thing is weird to me!!! I don't like the "phonies" at most churches! Blah Blah pick pick. I don't find god in a church building where people have not been to hell and back! I find the spirit of God in the rooms of AA and NA where hell has been visited by us all. I also find The God of my understanding In nature, Flowers, animals, and the rare example in a human being. Yet I don't pray. I Don't seek God. I don't read My bibles (I have five) And I do not use the $1,000 worth of "study" help books on the bible that I own. I read my big book more often and go to meetings more than I read the bible or go to church. Maybe later in recovery I will be more comfortable with the God thing. The church thing. But for now I'll look for God in the rooms of AA and Na. People. And in Creation.
..."We missed the reality and the beauty of the forest because we were diverted by the ugliness of some of it's trees." Big book pg 50. Lately I have been looking at my tree and others trees and deciding to think that they are ugly trees. Today I have decided to be happy to be able to live in a "world" with trees (ugly or beautiful). Because only 2 years ago the only world I lived in was a living hell and who gives a damn about any fuckin trees lets just get to oblivion as fast and often as we can.
My addiction has been surfacing in Many other ways besides drug and alcohol use. I put myself in debt more and more each day. I was asked to go to Idaho next month for my daughters birth day. Can I go? Not by the current situation of my pocket book! FUCK!!!!! Stupid ass SAVE YOUR DAMN MONEY!!!
I purchased two NA books this week."It works, how and why" and "The Narcotics Anonymous Step Working Guide." Mr Hyde is freaking out! Man is he driving me nuts lately! He does not want me to Make Dr. Jekyll stronger! NO. NO. NO. He is pulling some shifty shit to get me to fuck up so he can "Come out and play again." I'm falling for it too! Spending $ is the foremost trick he's doing now! I figure this is what he is up to. Spend money beyond reason get in debt so far that I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel and then he'll convince me to gust give up and hit the road again until my debt "disappears." And in the mean time...Waiting for it to disappear...He can wreak havoc in my life again and we can go back to living in hell.

Home! Part two.

Good afternoon.
Here is what I came up with.
Keep it simple.
Grow up.
Life on life's terms.
I'm taking a nap now I'm whooped! I'll talk to you all in the am.

Home?

Good Evening. The Encarta world dictionary defines home as: 5 SAFE PLACE a place where a person or animal can find refuge and safety or live in security. Two of three of us were given a warning today on our rental situation. Not to say my shit does not stink but I do not feel that most of the troublesome "issues" are coming from my end. I Would love to move out if nothing more than to get away from Minnie! But their are people that want to see me stay in the same place for a year so I'll suffer through what ever shit I have to suffer through. I've begun to make a lot of sacrifices in preparation of my daughter coming to live with me. And many more are to come in the future. Living with my sponsor is great. He's a fantastic man. I look up to him A LOT! Rent is Very cheap (under $200). I do not want to see him have to live with Minnie nor do I want to see him end up back at the local mission! Or worse off homeless. I live in the living room and it's ok...No it sucks! But rent is cheap and I...I want to move out but I feel if 'ol Minnie and I could work things out then all would be well. Or if she got hit by a fast moving truck. Died of amoebic dysentery. A.I.D.S. Look at me and I just sent her an email saying I don't have any issues with her. I just don't like her and feel she is the reason this place does not seem like Home (whats your part Greg?) Yet their was a time not so long ago that I would have given anything to live in someone's living room, CHEAP. Now I'm just selfish and ungrateful about my living situation.
Lately I have been finding fault in others problems and way of life. I wonder why? Is it because the faults I see in others are the faults I see in me? What ever it is I don't like their faults or mine and would like to stop focusing on them!!! I have to get up in less than 4 hours to go to play time with Mr. M, so I had better go and get as much rest as I can. I will post more on this issue when I get home around 4pm pacific time so check back @ 5 to see what I come up with. God bless my friends. yfg

Columbia River

Good morning, I'm just arriving home from camping down on the river. I slept SO good last night:) I never thought that silence would wake me up. Anyways today is laundry day e.t.c. I went to an awesome NA meeting last night. Lately I have been feeling that what I had to share was stupid and no one wanted to listen. After the meeting was open to share their was about 5 min of silence. So I spoke up and shared. Just got some thoughts off my chest. Honesty. I guess What I said hit home to a lot of people last night. Anyways Have a good day all.

Reverse

Good afternoon. Back when I was homeless I loved dumpster diving. Ahhh the treasures and GOOD food I found. I couldn't wait to go dig through the trash. HIGH as hell, all alone in my own world digging through the trash...ahhh those were the days. Everyone left me alone!!!
Reverse.
This morning my boss Mrs. S asked me to take our (work) trash out of starbucks cardboard dumpster. 3 days ago our trash was full so we used their dumpster. One of my idiot co-workers can't read the big red sign that said "Warning no garbage. Cardboard only!" anyways as I was digging through the nasty smelly garbage it dawned on me. Back when I was homeless I dug through trash to get "paid" now I'm getting "paid" to dig through garbage.
Reverse.
Today was a good day. I'm off tomorrow and it's payday. Have a good night all hope all was well in your worlds today. yfg
Oh I forgot happy HNT