work

alive got a black berry and my family all is well

notebook

All most a year now... finnally back into the computer world:):):)

Camping from HELL!!!

I should have just stayed home! Every thing Went wrong this trip. It was like dumb and dummer out their on the lake. 3 fish were smarter than 2 grown men. 1 of thoes 3 got away thi big one...DIE FISH DIE... Anyways things are well I slept good this morning after having been up 26 hrs...

AHH the (ex) wife and my daughter. This is my current picture on my desktop andIt's funny How Manny feelings this has stirred up in dhe last day or two. The skeleton is no longer out of sight out of mind.
Arrgh it's going to be a doubble post...Go eat a Mc Skillet burito tommrow morning @ your local Mc Donalds

Do Do DO Do do I'm Lovin it

time for a bender?

My sponsor and I were fishing last week on my 30Th 31st day sober and he commented It's about time I go on a bender and loose everything i got back. I've Got another decent job a laptop and sobriety:) :) :) no benders 4 me today. Good night all have a good day

So Maybe It really is a disease.

Welcome back Gregory,

2 days after my 30th birthday, 4 days clean. How was my birthday? I spent it in de-tox comming off heroin! not bad though but... It was a GOD THING that I was able to walk away so soon. I ended up falling victom to that first drink, that 1 year later eventually led not just to where I left off but beyond.
In July I did not get custody of my daughter and walked away. Well I think I gave up a long tine before that. My last entry I gave Or before? None the less here I am again and hopefully I've learned enough that I wont have to try that desperate experiment of the first drink. Yet the funny thing is that I don't like liquor! yet it always ends me up right back where i left off.
I work @ Mc Donalds now and my job is on very thin ice and hopefully I can move it eventually back to solid ground before the ice breaks... till next time...

The untimely itch.

Good afternoon,

It appears that the weather s only going to get nicer now
And when The weather gets nice My Vagrant instinct kicks in and This season comes at a rough point in my life. I have given up all hope to a "Normal" Life and desperately want to walk away from it all and disappear into the woods. BUT. Can really live with turning my back on my daughter again? nope! stay tuned till next time...

Happy birth day

Happy birth day to me
Happy birth day to me
Happy birth day to me
Happy birth day to me

29 years old:)

hagd

Make it go away!

I blogged the other day and got some good stuff off my chest. Then i hit the wrong button and wham-o. Gone. So here I am trying again. I need to start blogging again on a regular basis. I LOVE weed and can't seem to leave it alone! I don't even have to buy pot and I'm high every day! OK so i need to change my play mates. What does this mean? Hang out with my new church people. Change your play ground. Move run get out of Wenatchee and be homeless again. but that's just so my disease can run rampant. No Greg you MUST stand and fight!!! you will not roll over and Give up!!! YOU WILL NOT !!! So the other morning I said to myself, Self You must stop smoking pot! Self said "ARE YOU FUC#$&@ CRAZY??? I can't make it through the day without weed. It is the fuel that makes me go. it is the sedative that keeps me sane, and the very reason I wake up every morning. Without weed I fear that I would not be able to cope with the daily stress of life. Now of course this is all my disease speaking and I know as much as you do that it's all a pile of shit. I can stop any second I want to...not really but hey it sounds good. till next time yfg

The day of LOVe?

Good morning my friends:) I droped my monitor on my comp last week... ok it fell... so now my comp is busted :((:((:(( All is well here :) sobriety is comming slowly yet progressing :) Things have Been extreemly turbulent here the last week and a half. I have to this point survived sucessfully.

Enegizer batteries.

And I keep on going and going. I'm totally amazed that I havent smashed bottom yet. It's 12:30 and I'm just waking up. I work nights now at Wendys :) This is the end of y 9th month at the same job holy shit! this has never happend befoer. So the other day i was out of pot and I wanted to get high/ die so I took 17 little orange/yellow muscle relaxers. I'll never do that again. I could have swore their was a black cat in my house and so I tore apart the house looking for it so i could kill it. I could barely tip over furniture to see if the cat was under anything. I couldent speak see or understand. My muscles wouldtwitch and cramp on their own. I thought the gm of Wendys had called me and asked me to be in to work at 10 pm. Really it's a long story and to make it short 17 muscle relaxers was WAY TOO MANY PILLS!!! 2 days later I finally felt normal again.
I'm smoking less and less pot lately. I'm trying a spiritual approach... No I'm just trying to find God, Greg And myself...

Still their?

Are we their yet?

Relax?

Food for thought.

It seems their is really only one thing in life that I devote myself too 100% and unfortunately It isn't anything really worth while. The times that I try to apply this "drive" to something worthwhile, You'll hear people say "He has great potential." or "It's a shame. He had such good potential."

I do not want to live my old lifestyle anymore. But it's comfortable. It's a constant variable. When I smoke pot I know exatly how I'm going to feel. I know when I call the "Florist" that the Marijuana I'm going to purchase will produce the exact same thing every time.

What I'm trying to say is I know what to expect with pot. EVERYTHING else in life (besides drugs, ...And for those of you who drink theirs alcohol) Has too many variables. People are unpredictable and untrustworthy. Maybe depending on who you hang out with I suppose but I was homeless hitch hiking across the country for almost 14 years and I have met a lot of people! And my stand is most aren't worth my time.
I would be perfectly content being a hermit in the mountains. Living like Adam in the Garden with God Before eve showed up and fucked it all up. Women lets talk about that for awhile. I'm tired of living a life by myself. Wh...No this gets to deep and personal. So in short women usually are psycho. God I'm 28 almost 29 and have been alone now for almost 5 years now! How much longer do I have to wait for a GOOD Girl?

So ... ?

In the words of...

Pink Floyd... ahhh ahhh ahhh I have become comfortably numb.

Did you know...

...That God is a Cook? One day... If... I get to heaven I would like to hear God say "Well done my good and faithfully servant."

I have been doing a lot of self reflection the last 2 1/2 months. A LOT!!! This morning I was thinking if their was a fine line between taking everything too personal or just let shit roll off my back. Then I asked. "Why do I tend to ALWAYS take everything too damn personal?" "Because you are in active addiction and YOU ARE SELFISH!" Says the good voice. Hum. Character defect? Yup. Ok so now I'll admit that when under the influence I 'm mostly selfish than not. But when Being a Responsible, productive member of society well I tend to be very unselfish. So, am I perfect when clean? HELL NO! Is it possible that my dual nature Brain has three distinct personality's? HELL F YES! Please meet Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde and me the meaditator between the two. The chaos Between my ears is Very OLD! I'm not shure if the intoxicant is the fuel if I'm just crazy, or if their is some other unseen fuel? Or is it Dr. Jekyll tricking me into thinking that the real problem is not really the real problem but something else entirely. Or is it Mr. Hyde trying to scream at me in moments of brief clarity when he lets me know he's drowning and if I don't save him NOW it's all over. Or is it me? Some psycho nut job who will turn out to be the disgruntled Wendy's Employee who goes to work and kills everyone in the middle of lunch rush? Speaking of Wendy's This is the longest job I've ever held and the longest I have ever lived in the same place under my own free will.

Things that make you go hummmm...

In 48 hours I will be able to say that this is the longest job I've ever held. 8 months WOW!!!

And the results are in...

Yup! one is too many and a 1,000 never enough. All is well... I guess? I bought a "new" Car on friday:):):) The first car I've owned in about 4 years. Work is ok. My daughter will not be moving in until may :(( all has been well here the last 2 weeks:) i suppose that now I just have to get back in to writing every day.

Consorting

Yes I'm still here. I've been doing some more research on our disease. my "experiment" should be done in 2 days.

The Light.

Good Morning. The Light is on but no one is home. I have an empty gap in my heart. I seem to have left my heart in Idaho with my daughter! I'm Lost! I'm finding it very difficult to stay focused and work hard. My common sense has been shut off, and I can't remember shit! I'm slow and dumb at work. LOL. Kind of like the new little retarded kid at work I Guess. LOL.
On a lighter note:) I'm Finally in my own room again :):):) roommate #2 is gone and it seems to be a lot more ... Serene here in the house :) I bought a set of pans last night:) Another first for me:)
Have a good day everyone:) I must get ready for work:)

Stuck.

Good Afternoon. The wind has been blown out of my sails. I've been in a state of shock this last week. SO MANY things to take a look at. Where do I want to raise my kids. How do I want to raise my kids. How do I NOT want to raise my kids. Do I want to take my step son, or not? How do I raise kids? will I be a GOOD father? Yes. How will I ever have enough money? What do I currently have to change in my personal life in order to be a parent that can be able to lead by example. Damn thats a BIG one. Jobs. Education for me and for the kids. How will I find time for the kids, work, rest, and personal? food for 3. School supplies, clothes, Heat in the winter. And the list goes on. I'm trying to take it one day at a time. But I have this nagging voice that has convinced me to make a plan for the future. It seems that I have always lived for the moment. I do not think that this method would be good to use any longer with the prospect of being a single father of 2. Thank God that my wife is doing her thing. This is what I have been praying for for a long time. I have always wanted to be a single father. I just wish that I would have not waited so long to be a part of my daughters life. It has been way too long.

Reality beacon

Good morning. Home sweet home :):):) The reality beacon has been turned on. (Singing... I can see clearly now the rain is gone...I can see all the obstacles in my way...)



The picture before this I wasn't smiling. Amber said "Daddy you need to smile." so we took this picture. It's a fake smile. I was in no mood for a smile. Because moments later it would be good-bye. I tried not to cry, But...I did.



Yes that's right folk's...I'm the guy traveling with a 4' stuffed dog. My daughter gave this to me, right before she left she said it was "To remember her by." The tears welled up... And fell...



On the way their I ate yellow watermelon. Quite a different flavor and...Better than regular watermelon. Custody, school. Housing, clothes, medicine, Dr.'s, shoes, glasses, college, and boy friends, (better go find me a shotgun...) This is only to start the list.



Candy Land. Once a Child hood escape into a world not my own. A time when I had creativity and dreams. Now a boring game. All the fantasy's, and mystery, Eaten up by puberty, And addiction.



Girl friend: "Greg I'm pregnant"
Greg: "OH F**K!!!!!"
Mr, Hyde: "RUUUUUNN!!!!!!!"
Dr, Jekyll: "Ruuuuuun!!!"
Greg: "Run!!!"
Greg: "See ya!! Bye bye now."
Wife: "You bastard where are you going?"
Mr. Hyde: "SWEET lets have some fun."

...6 years later I can't understand WTF Was I thinking??? Seeing my daughter this last weekend has replentished my pride in being a father. And for this I'm EXTREMELY grAAteful.

WOO HOO :):):):):):):):):):)

GOOD MORNING:):):)

vacation day 4

Good morning:):) Happy HNT. Things are going well here. I plan to go to an AA meeting today:):):) ok have a good day
yfg

Welcome to Idaho

Good morning. All is well so far today. It's cloudy and wet here and I will be seeing my daughter today:):):):) I have pics to share but I cant find the usb port. so till tommrow.
Gregory

Were off to see the Wizzard.

Good morning. Well I'm Off. I'll try my best to let ya'all know how my vacation is going.

Scared

Good morning. I have so much stuff to do today. I didn't do hardly anything yesterday.
This morning I wish I knew what God's plan is. Does he want me to live here in WA or in ID with my daughter? Stay here or relocate? Stay here (out of jail,) Go (possibly end up in jail.) I really don't know how to pack my things. Should I pack as if all will be well and I'll be coming Home in a week or should I pack like I expect to get arrested and I may not be coming back in 6 months or so? Do I take everything of value with me?

I have been a nervous wreck the last 2 days. I HATE BEING LOCKED UP!!! I suppose then I shouldn't have ran from this issue 4 years ago. Who knows I may possibly be able to "fly" in under the radar, and have a great time all week. And I may not. I'm ok with getting this taken care of. At first it will be quite painful but in the long run it will reap many rewards.

A few months ago (or more???) I wrote in my journal to my daughter that I would do anything for her. Except go to jail. And now I suppose that I'm willing to even go to jail, should that be the case. I think that this vacation is going to be a very different experience for me. I don't think that I will be just going their and coming back. No I think their is a hidden left hook somewhere. This could also be my paranoia seeping through?

I plan to blog at least once while I'm their. But for now I have a very busy day today and I must get started.
I hope all is well with all of you.
have a great day.
Merry CHRISTmas.
Gregory

Visit maggie HERE

Woo Hoo

I'm on vacation

Finally it's Friday.

This picture does not display size very well:( This is an enormous pancake. It took 2 of us to flip it:) Just picture a smiley face on it, it looks better:)

Good morning. WOW 34 hours in 3 days. I'm going to love this check:):):) I'm so glad it's my Friday:):):) VACATION TIME WOO HOO :):):) All is well here in my world.
I need to get a life! Eat, Sleep, Work. It seems that this is all I do! ...Smoke pot, Slam dope, lay in the park. Is what I'm accustomed to. So In this case change is defiantly good. I just have to learn how to say no a little more often when I'm asked to fill in the blanks in the schedule...Nah really I don't mind working so much. It's really slowing down and so I expect that next month I'll probably have more free time:)

I Found my happy place on Thursday :):):) I'm very excited about this:):):) I have been looking 4 a happy place to go to when things are rough for a long time:( I finally found it:):):)

hagd
mC
yfg

Mr. M's day.off :):):)

What a good day it is when Mr. Anal retentive is not their. LOL. In fact he was supposed to be in 4 work @ 4pm 4 an orentation. Guess what...Mr. M (the general mgr) was a no call no show. it sucks cause I suppose shit floats and he's the top floater and we cant seem to flush him. LOL. I worked 11 hrs today so I'm going 2 bed. Happy early hnt to u all and hope u all have a good HNT. I'm so excited to go see my daughter:):):) the days seem to go by slower and slower the closer it gets.
good night my friends
Greg

A rough day

this picture is of the moon. I think it lookes cool above wendys.

It was a rough day! Mr. M was a ... uhm.... super dick! oh well 3 days 2 go and then 10 days off :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)
I'm on the phone with my daughter right now :):):)
Oh it was so hard not to tell her I was going to be their for her birth day. she says "Daddy my birthday is next week." "I know honey." "Iwish you could be here daddy." "Me 2 amber." Oh it was so hard not to ruin the suprise. anyways I must go to bed and I hope my day goes better tommrow.

I slept in

Good morning:) I Don't have 2 b @ play time till 8 :):):( Today's goals: Pull out step one and start working on that again, call my daughter, enjoy work, have fun, keep a positive attitude, smile and make people laugh:)
I'll let ya know how it turns out but 4 now I must prepare 4 the day.
P.S. I'm lonely. I want a dog. Or start a relationship with a Woman. I need something to love. And something to return my Love.
hadg yfg

As requested

An almost clean room...

What is this thing? How do I use it?

Put your right foot in. Put your right foot out, and shake it all about.

A clean room...

Woo Hoo:):) It's finally clean:):):) I feel so much better. My best friend came in and thought he had walked into the wrong house. LOL.
Thakns Gwen. I was going to put off the step between an almost clean room and a clean room.

3 months old

"The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death." big book pg 30

Today I'm grateful 4:

1:) A day off:):):)
2:) Nasty coffee.
3:) Back 2 hideously dry tobacco.
4:) A Day off:):):)
5:) An almost clean room.
6:) Music.
7:) A day off:):):)
8:) Food.
9:) Friends.
10:) A day off:):):)
11:) I'm not medicating my disease with drugs and alcohol but with AA and NA some step work and A sponsor. Toss in some service work and a bit of good attitude and so far so good:):):)x333
12:) I don't have to feed the monkey... No I don't have to feed the gorilla on my back anymore.
13:) I don't have a chip on my shoulder today.
14:) A day off:):):)
15:) A fresh pot of folgers brewing:)
16:) Mr. M
17:) Walking to and from work 4 eleven days:) Oh was it beautiful:)
18:) I work the 05:30 to 15:00 shift all week next week and get to walk to work at 03:30 again:):):)
19:) A day off:):):)
20:) My ingrown toe nail has healed.
21:) Petrol has temporally gone under $3 a gallon.
22:) 26 days till roommate #2 moves out :)x333,333,333.
23:) An increasing desire to become closer to my HP.
24:) WOO HOO :):):) I've been sober 90 days now. :):):)
25:) I'm not in THIS
mess any more:):):)
26:) AHHH Folgers.
27:) Sober insanity v.s. Alcoholic insanity.
28:) Sobriety.
29:) 9 days till vacation.
30:) All of u:)
31:) Snow at CHRISTmas. (I cant wait till CHRISTmas)
32:) The elusive skunk that wont stay still long enough 4 me 2 take his pic the last 3 times I've seen him.
33:) Using dreams/Waking up sober:):):)
34:) So far 11 super fantastic days in a row:):):)
35:) The proverbial pink cloud
36:) some good pics this week


Seconds before my "alarm clock" came tearing through:)

37:) I've paid rent again. This makes 5 months now, and yet another miracle in sobriety.
38:) A day off:):):)
39:) Advice from dAAve to pray positive things 4 roommate #2. Thanks dAAve.
40:) Music on my blog. Thanks Gwen
41:) Kel Constantly reminding me of my "old ways" and 4 the prince to remind me where I do not want 2 go again.
42:) My nocturnal friends in the park the Coons, Skunk, Frog and Herons.
43:) Laundry. Finally I get 2 do some laundry:):):)
44:) I remembered 2 turn off the water in the tub today:) usually I forget and let it run for 45 min or more.
45:) A bad day sober is BETTER than a good day intoxicated:):):)
46:) I don't have a catheter:):):) LOL I p freely.LOL (I find this very funny 4 some reason. Sorry)
47:) Earl grey tea and cammo-meal tea (spelling of course)
48:) I'm not homeless:):):)
49:) I have a Computer.
50:) A great job/A day off.
51:) 4 once in life I'm finally a person people enjoy being around.
52:) I don't steal anymore.
53:) My honesty improves daily:):):)
54:) Sober I remember what I'm learning, v.s. intoxicated I learn what I remember and that's to stay loaded. (Does this make sense?)
55:) I don't have 2 chase oblivion, or the bag/bottle.:):):)x3
56:) My perspective on life has done an about face:):):)
57:) I'm not as stupid as I was when I was a teenager.
58:) I can say NO!!! And b ok with that.
59:) Breakfast. Green beans and chocolate frosting... Yummy. (refer to #27. LOL)
60:) People who care about me v.s. people who despise me.
61:) Bill and Dr. Bob
62:) Foot ball season.
63:) A gr8 relationship with my Dad and Mom
64:) Mom might be meeting me in Idaho.
65:) Tossing back a cold one after work no longer means beer or a long island ice tea, but a nice cold safeway select soda.:):):)
66:) Usually I get up @ 02;00. Today I slept in until )7:50.
67:) Home alone.
68:) The weather is coolin off :):)
69:) I'm not in a relationship. Although it would b nice 2 share my love.
70:) Looking up. I have reviewed my camping trip pic's and I've noticed that every one I'm looking up. Usually I'm too ashamed to look up and hang my head. Yet another sober miracle:):):)
71:) Blogger, 4 giving me a place to share. Free.
72:) A new found respect 4 the new comer.
73:) I just finished adding links to peoples blogs that I visit:):)

Ok I've got to get off of here It's 11:05 I've got to do stuff around the house. Hagd my friends yfg
merry CHRISTmas

Looking up

Good morning:) I'm starting a new fassion club:) cammo and plad. what do u think? I wore this ensamble last night to a meeting and 2 people said "only u r crazy enough to wear that in public." LOL
Have a good day all I have to get ready 4 work. FINNALY its my friday. 11 days now I've worked in a row:):):( 1 day off then 5 more, 2 off, 1 more then 7 off. Woo Hoo vacation time:):):) I'm going on vacation 4 my daughters birthday.
have a good day my friends
Gregory
Merry CHRISTmas

About my day

Ahh 3:45 am the American Flag and the full moon on a Beautiful morning :)


My friends the raccoons :) I see them every morning :) This one wasn't quite close enough for the flash to get a good pic


This Frog has been on the same fountain 2 mornings in a row and is the reason I brought my camera to work with me :)


5:55 am The first eggs on the grill and some sausage.


About 9 am and this crow lives close to work. I wish this pic had turned out better too.


After work about 3:30 pm. I was mistaken 3 times as a Safeway employee. I had a blast helping people like I knew what I was doing. And the emotions they went through when they took a closer look at my wendys hat and name tag, it dawned on them that they had made fools of themselves and I do not work at safeway... It was gr8 :):):)


I have been racking my brain how to post a smiley face for every one. Well here it is. So here is a smiley for all of you from a very tired me :)


Happy hnt everyone :) I suppose I was a little eager to post so I got it ready last night so all I had to do is post publish this morning... I thought it would be stamped as Published this morning. Anyways it's (Holy cow) 5:14pm I have about 20 min before I have to go to bed. Good night and hope every one has had a good day:):):)
Merry CHRISTmas
yfg

Carrying the message

This tree is comming out of a crack in an enormous boulder. I don't understand how but WOW... hey that rymes LOL


"12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs"
Alcoholics Anonymous pg 60

Yesterday I was walking home and I walked past an alley way and saw two drunks. One was sitting on the ground trying to figure out why he was on the ground. Was I tying my shoe? Nope... What am I doing here? I don't know for sure about his buddy but this guy was defiantly off in oblivion.
I watched. His buddy seemed to be embarrassed, ashamed that he hung out with this guy. They could not see me and I didn't want to make myself noticed. Who knows what kind of drunks they are? And then it hit me. That was me almost 90 days ago. WOW!!! I actually loved that shit??? What was I thinking? When I was in the mindset to seek oblivion every day, I was not satisfied until I got their! The more dope I shot in my arm and the more booze I could consume the better. Living in my head sober was a self imposed hell and at the time oblivion was a much much happier place. And then I would begin to come down, run out of booze and I'd have no money to get more. But what ever happens I had better hurry cause I'm gonna be dope sick in about 45 min and if I do not get another shot of medication or a 5th oh whiskey to hold me over life is really going to be hell. Then my instinctual drive to "Survive" kicks in and I'll do what ever I have to do not to be dope sick!!! Anything short of murder... Although I assume that I was not to far off from being willing to kill someone for my next trip to oblivion. Sad.
So I'm still watching the drunk and I used to be just like him only worse... Or so I think. You know now, on the outside looking in, I see the insanity. I see the pain I thought drugs and alcohol would make go away. 14 years ago I set out like Dr. Jekyll to find a magic potion that would create a perfect world for me. I never considered that sobriety would be the magic potion... And even this is not perfect but it sure is a HELL OF A LOT BETTER THAN WHO/WHAT I WAS !!!!!!
I get home I share my story with my sponsor and he says "Well did you carry the message?" No I kept it to myself :(:(:( For this I feel like SHIT. But I now understand a lot more about myself and I also have a lot more respect for the new comer. The most important person in the meeting finally makes sense to me :):):)

Thank you drunk man in the alley. I wish I would have had the guts to talk to you and tell you their is a better way to live. Please forgive me.

So I started to clean my room today :):) almost done. I got overwhelmed after 2 hours and sat down on the carpet... I have carpet? Wow. LOL. Anyways I need to go to bed in awhile and I want to read some recovery material before I hit the sack.
Good night my friends
Merry CHRISTmas
yfg

Procrastination at it's best

Good evening :):):) Well Here are 6 pictures of my happy, cozy little room :):):)
I must add it has never been quite this clean LOL This is a product of 2 weeks worth of saying AHHH Fuck I'll do it later.








Note: My sleeping bag on the floor. I sleep on the clean space. yea I know It's not much but it works


The line is the thresh hold ot my room. I'm starting to seep past it