Dr.Jekyll v.s. Mr. Hyde

2010-06-24T17:28:00.000-07:00

work

2010-06-18T12:26:00.001-07:00

alive got a black berry and my family all is well

notebook

2009-02-08T07:21:00.000-08:00

All most a year now... finnally back into the computer world:):):)

Camping from HELL!!!

2008-04-23T14:43:00.000-07:00

I should have just stayed home! Every thing Went wrong this trip. It was like dumb and dummer out their on the lake. 3 fish were smarter than 2 grown men. 1 of thoes 3 got away thi big one...DIE FISH DIE... Anyways things are well I slept good this morning after having been up 26 hrs...

AHH the (ex) wife and my daughter. This is my current picture on my desktop andIt's funny How Manny feelings this has stirred up in dhe last day or two. The skeleton is no longer out of sight out of mind.
Arrgh it's going to be a doubble post...Go eat a Mc Skillet burito tommrow morning @ your local Mc Donalds

Do Do DO Do do I'm Lovin it

time for a bender?

2008-04-18T08:47:00.000-07:00

My sponsor and I were fishing last week on my 30Th 31st day sober and he commented It's about time I go on a bender and loose everything i got back. I've Got another decent job a laptop and sobriety:) :) :) no benders 4 me today. Good night all have a good day

So Maybe It really is a disease.

2008-03-15T06:20:00.000-07:00

Welcome back Gregory,

2 days after my 30th birthday, 4 days clean. How was my birthday? I spent it in de-tox comming off heroin! not bad though but... It was a GOD THING that I was able to walk away so soon. I ended up falling victom to that first drink, that 1 year later eventually led not just to where I left off but beyond.
In July I did not get custody of my daughter and walked away. Well I think I gave up a long tine before that. My last entry I gave Or before? None the less here I am again and hopefully I've learned enough that I wont have to try that desperate experiment of the first drink. Yet the funny thing is that I don't like liquor! yet it always ends me up right back where i left off.
I work @ Mc Donalds now and my job is on very thin ice and hopefully I can move it eventually back to solid ground before the ice breaks... till next time...

The untimely itch.

2007-03-22T13:13:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon,

It appears that the weather s only going to get nicer now
And when The weather gets nice My Vagrant instinct kicks in and This season comes at a rough point in my life. I have given up all hope to a "Normal" Life and desperately want to walk away from it all and disappear into the woods. BUT. Can really live with turning my back on my daughter again? nope! stay tuned till next time...

Happy birth day

2007-03-13T11:19:00.000-07:00

Happy birth day to me
Happy birth day to me
Happy birth day to me
Happy birth day to me

29 years old:)

hagd

Make it go away!

2007-03-12T14:27:00.000-07:00

I blogged the other day and got some good stuff off my chest. Then i hit the wrong button and wham-o. Gone. So here I am trying again. I need to start blogging again on a regular basis. I LOVE weed and can't seem to leave it alone! I don't even have to buy pot and I'm high every day! OK so i need to change my play mates. What does this mean? Hang out with my new church people. Change your play ground. Move run get out of Wenatchee and be homeless again. but that's just so my disease can run rampant. No Greg you MUST stand and fight!!! you will not roll over and Give up!!! YOU WILL NOT !!! So the other morning I said to myself, Self You must stop smoking pot! Self said "ARE YOU FUC#$&@ CRAZY??? I can't make it through the day without weed. It is the fuel that makes me go. it is the sedative that keeps me sane, and the very reason I wake up every morning. Without weed I fear that I would not be able to cope with the daily stress of life. Now of course this is all my disease speaking and I know as much as you do that it's all a pile of shit. I can stop any second I want to...not really but hey it sounds good. till next time yfg

The day of LOVe?

2007-02-14T09:27:00.001-08:00

Good morning my friends:) I droped my monitor on my comp last week... ok it fell... so now my comp is busted :((:((:(( All is well here :) sobriety is comming slowly yet progressing :) Things have Been extreemly turbulent here the last week and a half. I have to this point survived sucessfully.

Enegizer batteries.

2007-01-30T12:34:00.000-08:00

And I keep on going and going. I'm totally amazed that I havent smashed bottom yet. It's 12:30 and I'm just waking up. I work nights now at Wendys :) This is the end of y 9th month at the same job holy shit! this has never happend befoer. So the other day i was out of pot and I wanted to get high/ die so I took 17 little orange/yellow muscle relaxers. I'll never do that again. I could have swore their was a black cat in my house and so I tore apart the house looking for it so i could kill it. I could barely tip over furniture to see if the cat was under anything. I couldent speak see or understand. My muscles wouldtwitch and cramp on their own. I thought the gm of Wendys had called me and asked me to be in to work at 10 pm. Really it's a long story and to make it short 17 muscle relaxers was WAY TOO MANY PILLS!!! 2 days later I finally felt normal again.
I'm smoking less and less pot lately. I'm trying a spiritual approach... No I'm just trying to find God, Greg And myself...

Still their?

2007-01-28T12:23:00.001-08:00

Are we their yet?

Relax?

2006-12-28T09:00:00.000-08:00

Food for thought.

2006-12-09T08:11:00.000-08:00

It seems their is really only one thing in life that I devote myself too 100% and unfortunately It isn't anything really worth while. The times that I try to apply this "drive" to something worthwhile, You'll hear people say "He has great potential." or "It's a shame. He had such good potential."

I do not want to live my old lifestyle anymore. But it's comfortable. It's a constant variable. When I smoke pot I know exatly how I'm going to feel. I know when I call the "Florist" that the Marijuana I'm going to purchase will produce the exact same thing every time.

What I'm trying to say is I know what to expect with pot. EVERYTHING else in life (besides drugs, ...And for those of you who drink theirs alcohol) Has too many variables. People are unpredictable and untrustworthy. Maybe depending on who you hang out with I suppose but I was homeless hitch hiking across the country for almost 14 years and I have met a lot of people! And my stand is most aren't worth my time.
I would be perfectly content being a hermit in the mountains. Living like Adam in the Garden with God Before eve showed up and fucked it all up. Women lets talk about that for awhile. I'm tired of living a life by myself. Wh...No this gets to deep and personal. So in short women usually are psycho. God I'm 28 almost 29 and have been alone now for almost 5 years now! How much longer do I have to wait for a GOOD Girl?

So ... ?

In the words of...

2006-12-08T04:30:00.000-08:00

Pink Floyd... ahhh ahhh ahhh I have become comfortably numb.

Did you know...

2006-12-06T06:13:00.000-08:00

...That God is a Cook? One day... If... I get to heaven I would like to hear God say "Well done my good and faithfully servant."

I have been doing a lot of self reflection the last 2 1/2 months. A LOT!!! This morning I was thinking if their was a fine line between taking everything too personal or just let shit roll off my back. Then I asked. "Why do I tend to ALWAYS take everything too damn personal?" "Because you are in active addiction and YOU ARE SELFISH!" Says the good voice. Hum. Character defect? Yup. Ok so now I'll admit that when under the influence I 'm mostly selfish than not. But when Being a Responsible, productive member of society well I tend to be very unselfish. So, am I perfect when clean? HELL NO! Is it possible that my dual nature Brain has three distinct personality's? HELL F YES! Please meet Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde and me the meaditator between the two. The chaos Between my ears is Very OLD! I'm not shure if the intoxicant is the fuel if I'm just crazy, or if their is some other unseen fuel? Or is it Dr. Jekyll tricking me into thinking that the real problem is not really the real problem but something else entirely. Or is it Mr. Hyde trying to scream at me in moments of brief clarity when he lets me know he's drowning and if I don't save him NOW it's all over. Or is it me? Some psycho nut job who will turn out to be the disgruntled Wendy's Employee who goes to work and kills everyone in the middle of lunch rush? Speaking of Wendy's This is the longest job I've ever held and the longest I have ever lived in the same place under my own free will.

Things that make you go hummmm...

2006-11-29T03:12:00.000-08:00

In 48 hours I will be able to say that this is the longest job I've ever held. 8 months WOW!!!

And the results are in...

2006-11-28T02:13:00.000-08:00

Yup! one is too many and a 1,000 never enough. All is well... I guess? I bought a "new" Car on friday:):):) The first car I've owned in about 4 years. Work is ok. My daughter will not be moving in until may :(( all has been well here the last 2 weeks:) i suppose that now I just have to get back in to writing every day.

Consorting

2006-11-14T03:23:00.000-08:00

Yes I'm still here. I've been doing some more research on our disease. my "experiment" should be done in 2 days.

The Light.

2006-10-05T02:25:00.000-07:00

Good Morning. The Light is on but no one is home. I have an empty gap in my heart. I seem to have left my heart in Idaho with my daughter! I'm Lost! I'm finding it very difficult to stay focused and work hard. My common sense has been shut off, and I can't remember shit! I'm slow and dumb at work. LOL. Kind of like the new little retarded kid at work I Guess. LOL.
On a lighter note:) I'm Finally in my own room again :):):) roommate #2 is gone and it seems to be a lot more ... Serene here in the house :) I bought a set of pans last night:) Another first for me:)
Have a good day everyone:) I must get ready for work:)

Stuck.

2006-10-01T15:13:00.000-07:00

Good Afternoon. The wind has been blown out of my sails. I've been in a state of shock this last week. SO MANY things to take a look at. Where do I want to raise my kids. How do I want to raise my kids. How do I NOT want to raise my kids. Do I want to take my step son, or not? How do I raise kids? will I be a GOOD father? Yes. How will I ever have enough money? What do I currently have to change in my personal life in order to be a parent that can be able to lead by example. Damn thats a BIG one. Jobs. Education for me and for the kids. How will I find time for the kids, work, rest, and personal? food for 3. School supplies, clothes, Heat in the winter. And the list goes on. I'm trying to take it one day at a time. But I have this nagging voice that has convinced me to make a plan for the future. It seems that I have always lived for the moment. I do not think that this method would be good to use any longer with the prospect of being a single father of 2. Thank God that my wife is doing her thing. This is what I have been praying for for a long time. I have always wanted to be a single father. I just wish that I would have not waited so long to be a part of my daughters life. It has been way too long.

Reality beacon

2006-09-25T07:22:00.000-07:00

Good morning. Home sweet home :):):) The reality beacon has been turned on. (Singing... I can see clearly now the rain is gone...I can see all the obstacles in my way...)

The picture before this I wasn't smiling. Amber said "Daddy you need to smile." so we took this picture. It's a fake smile. I was in no mood for a smile. Because moments later it would be good-bye. I tried not to cry, But...I did.

Yes that's right folk's...I'm the guy traveling with a 4' stuffed dog. My daughter gave this to me, right before she left she said it was "To remember her by." The tears welled up... And fell...

On the way their I ate yellow watermelon. Quite a different flavor and...Better than regular watermelon. Custody, school. Housing, clothes, medicine, Dr.'s, shoes, glasses, college, and boy friends, (better go find me a shotgun...) This is only to start the list.

Candy Land. Once a Child hood escape into a world not my own. A time when I had creativity and dreams. Now a boring game. All the fantasy's, and mystery, Eaten up by puberty, And addiction.

Girl friend: "Greg I'm pregnant"
Greg: "OH F**K!!!!!"
Mr, Hyde: "RUUUUUNN!!!!!!!"
Dr, Jekyll: "Ruuuuuun!!!"
Greg: "Run!!!"
Greg: "See ya!! Bye bye now."
Wife: "You bastard where are you going?"
Mr. Hyde: "SWEET lets have some fun."

...6 years later I can't understand WTF Was I thinking??? Seeing my daughter this last weekend has replentished my pride in being a father. And for this I'm EXTREMELY grAAteful.

WOO HOO :):):):):):):):):):)

2006-09-23T08:45:00.000-07:00

GOOD MORNING:):):)

vacation day 4

2006-09-21T08:26:00.000-07:00

Good morning:):) Happy HNT. Things are going well here. I plan to go to an AA meeting today:):):) ok have a good day
yfg

Welcome to Idaho

2006-09-20T07:31:00.000-07:00

Good morning. All is well so far today. It's cloudy and wet here and I will be seeing my daughter today:):):):) I have pics to share but I cant find the usb port. so till tommrow.
Gregory

Were off to see the Wizzard.

2006-09-19T03:24:00.000-07:00

Good morning. Well I'm Off. I'll try my best to let ya'all know how my vacation is going.

Scared

2006-09-18T04:57:00.000-07:00

Good morning. I have so much stuff to do today. I didn't do hardly anything yesterday.
This morning I wish I knew what God's plan is. Does he want me to live here in WA or in ID with my daughter? Stay here or relocate? Stay here (out of jail,) Go (possibly end up in jail.) I really don't know how to pack my things. Should I pack as if all will be well and I'll be coming Home in a week or should I pack like I expect to get arrested and I may not be coming back in 6 months or so? Do I take everything of value with me?

I have been a nervous wreck the last 2 days. I HATE BEING LOCKED UP!!! I suppose then I shouldn't have ran from this issue 4 years ago. Who knows I may possibly be able to "fly" in under the radar, and have a great time all week. And I may not. I'm ok with getting this taken care of. At first it will be quite painful but in the long run it will reap many rewards.

A few months ago (or more???) I wrote in my journal to my daughter that I would do anything for her. Except go to jail. And now I suppose that I'm willing to even go to jail, should that be the case. I think that this vacation is going to be a very different experience for me. I don't think that I will be just going their and coming back. No I think their is a hidden left hook somewhere. This could also be my paranoia seeping through?

I plan to blog at least once while I'm their. But for now I have a very busy day today and I must get started.
I hope all is well with all of you.
have a great day.
Merry CHRISTmas.
Gregory

Visit maggie HERE

Woo Hoo

2006-09-17T06:37:00.000-07:00

I'm on vacation

Finally it's Friday.

2006-09-16T04:20:00.001-07:00

This picture does not display size very well:( This is an enormous pancake. It took 2 of us to flip it:) Just picture a smiley face on it, it looks better:)

Good morning. WOW 34 hours in 3 days. I'm going to love this check:):):) I'm so glad it's my Friday:):):) VACATION TIME WOO HOO :):):) All is well here in my world.
I need to get a life! Eat, Sleep, Work. It seems that this is all I do! ...Smoke pot, Slam dope, lay in the park. Is what I'm accustomed to. So In this case change is defiantly good. I just have to learn how to say no a little more often when I'm asked to fill in the blanks in the schedule...Nah really I don't mind working so much. It's really slowing down and so I expect that next month I'll probably have more free time:)

I Found my happy place on Thursday :):):) I'm very excited about this:):):) I have been looking 4 a happy place to go to when things are rough for a long time:( I finally found it:):):)

hagd
mC
yfg

Mr. M's day.off :):):)

2006-09-13T17:58:00.000-07:00

What a good day it is when Mr. Anal retentive is not their. LOL. In fact he was supposed to be in 4 work @ 4pm 4 an orentation. Guess what...Mr. M (the general mgr) was a no call no show. it sucks cause I suppose shit floats and he's the top floater and we cant seem to flush him. LOL. I worked 11 hrs today so I'm going 2 bed. Happy early hnt to u all and hope u all have a good HNT. I'm so excited to go see my daughter:):):) the days seem to go by slower and slower the closer it gets.
good night my friends
Greg

A rough day

2006-09-12T18:08:00.000-07:00

this picture is of the moon. I think it lookes cool above wendys.

It was a rough day! Mr. M was a ... uhm.... super dick! oh well 3 days 2 go and then 10 days off :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)
I'm on the phone with my daughter right now :):):)
Oh it was so hard not to tell her I was going to be their for her birth day. she says "Daddy my birthday is next week." "I know honey." "Iwish you could be here daddy." "Me 2 amber." Oh it was so hard not to ruin the suprise. anyways I must go to bed and I hope my day goes better tommrow.

I slept in

2006-09-12T05:15:00.000-07:00

Good morning:) I Don't have 2 b @ play time till 8 :):):( Today's goals: Pull out step one and start working on that again, call my daughter, enjoy work, have fun, keep a positive attitude, smile and make people laugh:)
I'll let ya know how it turns out but 4 now I must prepare 4 the day.
P.S. I'm lonely. I want a dog. Or start a relationship with a Woman. I need something to love. And something to return my Love.
hadg yfg

As requested

2006-09-10T13:12:00.000-07:00

An almost clean room...

What is this thing? How do I use it?

Put your right foot in. Put your right foot out, and shake it all about.

A clean room...

Woo Hoo:):) It's finally clean:):):) I feel so much better. My best friend came in and thought he had walked into the wrong house. LOL.
Thakns Gwen. I was going to put off the step between an almost clean room and a clean room.

3 months old

2006-09-10T08:55:00.000-07:00

"The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death." big book pg 30

Today I'm grateful 4:

1:) A day off:):):)
2:) Nasty coffee.
3:) Back 2 hideously dry tobacco.
4:) A Day off:):):)
5:) An almost clean room.
6:) Music.
7:) A day off:):):)
8:) Food.
9:) Friends.
10:) A day off:):):)
11:) I'm not medicating my disease with drugs and alcohol but with AA and NA some step work and A sponsor. Toss in some service work and a bit of good attitude and so far so good:):):)x333
12:) I don't have to feed the monkey... No I don't have to feed the gorilla on my back anymore.
13:) I don't have a chip on my shoulder today.
14:) A day off:):):)
15:) A fresh pot of folgers brewing:)
16:) Mr. M
17:) Walking to and from work 4 eleven days:) Oh was it beautiful:)
18:) I work the 05:30 to 15:00 shift all week next week and get to walk to work at 03:30 again:):):)
19:) A day off:):):)
20:) My ingrown toe nail has healed.
21:) Petrol has temporally gone under $3 a gallon.
22:) 26 days till roommate #2 moves out :)x333,333,333.
23:) An increasing desire to become closer to my HP.
24:) WOO HOO :):):) I've been sober 90 days now. :):):)
25:) I'm not in THIS
mess any more:):):)
26:) AHHH Folgers.
27:) Sober insanity v.s. Alcoholic insanity.
28:) Sobriety.
29:) 9 days till vacation.
30:) All of u:)
31:) Snow at CHRISTmas. (I cant wait till CHRISTmas)
32:) The elusive skunk that wont stay still long enough 4 me 2 take his pic the last 3 times I've seen him.
33:) Using dreams/Waking up sober:):):)
34:) So far 11 super fantastic days in a row:):):)
35:) The proverbial pink cloud
36:) some good pics this week

Seconds before my "alarm clock" came tearing through:)

37:) I've paid rent again. This makes 5 months now, and yet another miracle in sobriety.
38:) A day off:):):)
39:) Advice from dAAve to pray positive things 4 roommate #2. Thanks dAAve.
40:) Music on my blog. Thanks Gwen
41:) Kel Constantly reminding me of my "old ways" and 4 the prince to remind me where I do not want 2 go again.
42:) My nocturnal friends in the park the Coons, Skunk, Frog and Herons.
43:) Laundry. Finally I get 2 do some laundry:):):)
44:) I remembered 2 turn off the water in the tub today:) usually I forget and let it run for 45 min or more.
45:) A bad day sober is BETTER than a good day intoxicated:):):)
46:) I don't have a catheter:):):) LOL I p freely.LOL (I find this very funny 4 some reason. Sorry)
47:) Earl grey tea and cammo-meal tea (spelling of course)
48:) I'm not homeless:):):)
49:) I have a Computer.
50:) A great job/A day off.
51:) 4 once in life I'm finally a person people enjoy being around.
52:) I don't steal anymore.
53:) My honesty improves daily:):):)
54:) Sober I remember what I'm learning, v.s. intoxicated I learn what I remember and that's to stay loaded. (Does this make sense?)
55:) I don't have 2 chase oblivion, or the bag/bottle.:):):)x3
56:) My perspective on life has done an about face:):):)
57:) I'm not as stupid as I was when I was a teenager.
58:) I can say NO!!! And b ok with that.
59:) Breakfast. Green beans and chocolate frosting... Yummy. (refer to #27. LOL)
60:) People who care about me v.s. people who despise me.
61:) Bill and Dr. Bob
62:) Foot ball season.
63:) A gr8 relationship with my Dad and Mom
64:) Mom might be meeting me in Idaho.
65:) Tossing back a cold one after work no longer means beer or a long island ice tea, but a nice cold safeway select soda.:):):)
66:) Usually I get up @ 02;00. Today I slept in until )7:50.
67:) Home alone.
68:) The weather is coolin off :):)
69:) I'm not in a relationship. Although it would b nice 2 share my love.
70:) Looking up. I have reviewed my camping trip pic's and I've noticed that every one I'm looking up. Usually I'm too ashamed to look up and hang my head. Yet another sober miracle:):):)
71:) Blogger, 4 giving me a place to share. Free.
72:) A new found respect 4 the new comer.
73:) I just finished adding links to peoples blogs that I visit:):)

Ok I've got to get off of here It's 11:05 I've got to do stuff around the house. Hagd my friends yfg
merry CHRISTmas

Looking up

2006-09-09T03:22:00.000-07:00

Good morning:) I'm starting a new fassion club:) cammo and plad. what do u think? I wore this ensamble last night to a meeting and 2 people said "only u r crazy enough to wear that in public." LOL
Have a good day all I have to get ready 4 work. FINNALY its my friday. 11 days now I've worked in a row:):):( 1 day off then 5 more, 2 off, 1 more then 7 off. Woo Hoo vacation time:):):) I'm going on vacation 4 my daughters birthday.
have a good day my friends
Gregory
Merry CHRISTmas

About my day

2006-09-07T17:01:00.000-07:00

Ahh 3:45 am the American Flag and the full moon on a Beautiful morning :)

My friends the raccoons :) I see them every morning :) This one wasn't quite close enough for the flash to get a good pic

This Frog has been on the same fountain 2 mornings in a row and is the reason I brought my camera to work with me :)

5:55 am The first eggs on the grill and some sausage.

About 9 am and this crow lives close to work. I wish this pic had turned out better too.

After work about 3:30 pm. I was mistaken 3 times as a Safeway employee. I had a blast helping people like I knew what I was doing. And the emotions they went through when they took a closer look at my wendys hat and name tag, it dawned on them that they had made fools of themselves and I do not work at safeway... It was gr8 :):):)

I have been racking my brain how to post a smiley face for every one. Well here it is. So here is a smiley for all of you from a very tired me :)

Happy hnt everyone :) I suppose I was a little eager to post so I got it ready last night so all I had to do is post publish this morning... I thought it would be stamped as Published this morning. Anyways it's (Holy cow) 5:14pm I have about 20 min before I have to go to bed. Good night and hope every one has had a good day:):):)
Merry CHRISTmas
yfg

Carrying the message

2006-09-06T17:42:00.000-07:00

This tree is comming out of a crack in an enormous boulder. I don't understand how but WOW... hey that rymes LOL

"12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs"
Alcoholics Anonymous pg 60

Yesterday I was walking home and I walked past an alley way and saw two drunks. One was sitting on the ground trying to figure out why he was on the ground. Was I tying my shoe? Nope... What am I doing here? I don't know for sure about his buddy but this guy was defiantly off in oblivion.
I watched. His buddy seemed to be embarrassed, ashamed that he hung out with this guy. They could not see me and I didn't want to make myself noticed. Who knows what kind of drunks they are? And then it hit me. That was me almost 90 days ago. WOW!!! I actually loved that shit??? What was I thinking? When I was in the mindset to seek oblivion every day, I was not satisfied until I got their! The more dope I shot in my arm and the more booze I could consume the better. Living in my head sober was a self imposed hell and at the time oblivion was a much much happier place. And then I would begin to come down, run out of booze and I'd have no money to get more. But what ever happens I had better hurry cause I'm gonna be dope sick in about 45 min and if I do not get another shot of medication or a 5th oh whiskey to hold me over life is really going to be hell. Then my instinctual drive to "Survive" kicks in and I'll do what ever I have to do not to be dope sick!!! Anything short of murder... Although I assume that I was not to far off from being willing to kill someone for my next trip to oblivion. Sad.
So I'm still watching the drunk and I used to be just like him only worse... Or so I think. You know now, on the outside looking in, I see the insanity. I see the pain I thought drugs and alcohol would make go away. 14 years ago I set out like Dr. Jekyll to find a magic potion that would create a perfect world for me. I never considered that sobriety would be the magic potion... And even this is not perfect but it sure is a HELL OF A LOT BETTER THAN WHO/WHAT I WAS !!!!!!
I get home I share my story with my sponsor and he says "Well did you carry the message?" No I kept it to myself :(:(:( For this I feel like SHIT. But I now understand a lot more about myself and I also have a lot more respect for the new comer. The most important person in the meeting finally makes sense to me :):):)

Thank you drunk man in the alley. I wish I would have had the guts to talk to you and tell you their is a better way to live. Please forgive me.

So I started to clean my room today :):) almost done. I got overwhelmed after 2 hours and sat down on the carpet... I have carpet? Wow. LOL. Anyways I need to go to bed in awhile and I want to read some recovery material before I hit the sack.
Good night my friends
Merry CHRISTmas
yfg

Procrastination at it's best

2006-09-05T18:51:00.000-07:00

Good evening :):):) Well Here are 6 pictures of my happy, cozy little room :):):)
I must add it has never been quite this clean LOL This is a product of 2 weeks worth of saying AHHH Fuck I'll do it later.

Note: My sleeping bag on the floor. I sleep on the clean space. yea I know It's not much but it works

The line is the thresh hold ot my room. I'm starting to seep past it

Too Too Twain

2006-09-04T15:31:00.000-07:00

AHHH Goodd after noon :):):) two smileys remain :):) Last night I volunterred at the alano club and 1/2 way through my shift I decided that when I got home I was going to throw some stuff togther and go camping by work some where close so I wouldent be late. Well I was worried about sleeping in and being late 4 work and then I rememberd that A train leaves town every morning about 04:30. My best friend gave me a ride and thought a Lunacy commision should be appointed Perhaps he was right. Betting on a train that might not run on a holiday was risky!!! But once I get an idea in my head sometimes I cant stop the decision. Well I'm pleased to report that Burlington Northern Sants Fe Railroad came through in fine style :):):) )4:30 on the dot the train went by :):):) They were even nice enough to send one out at 05:00 just to make sure I hadent fallen back asleep :) Oh and one at 11:30 pm, 2am, and 3:35Am. I slept about 35 40 feet from the tracks so when a train went by I KNEW IT !!! the first one scared the crap out of me!!! LOL. Anyways I climbed out of my sleeping bag @ 05:00 got dressed packed up my things and was at work by 05:15. Shaved and was ready to work at 5:30. :):):) Thanks bnsf for being such a perfect alarm clock :):):) I worked till 11:30 then went off in the woods again and wrote in my journal for an hr or so then took a nap and then came home :):):) Now I Must do laundry and prepare for another day at play time tommrow :):) hagn friends yfg

Ok so heres a silly pic of me with socks on my head and my huge head phones.

Theirs nothing in the lettuce water.

2006-09-03T03:56:00.000-07:00

Good morning :)Sunday my favorite day :) plus I get off work at 11 today. WOO HOO :):):) Butter flys are hard to photograph :( they just don't stay still long enough :( These two did stay still and although not very good pictures I'm happy to have them :)
I walked home from work yesterday and took the senic route. The pic above was taken in the state park. The below pic was taken on the bike path about 15 blocks from home.
This week has been a SUPER week :):):) LOL Friday I drew smiley faces in random spots at work. About 50 of them. When one of my co-workers came to work he said oh Mrs. SS (The night mgr, different from Mrs. S the day mgr.) Is mad at you! Why? She said those smilies where every where. LOL She came in yesterday and as soon as we made eye contact we bolth started to laugh. 20 survived the night. I wonder how many made it through last night???
Well lets see here ... Today I'm grateful for:
1) Butter flys.
2) roommate #2's time here I believe is short :):):)
3) a short day.
4) the path less traveled.
5) hazelnut coffee.
6) Friends.
7) friends in blogdom.
8) Family.
9) Family in recovery.
10) 16 days till I see my daughter :):):)
11) hideously dry tobacco is better than no tobacco.
12) peace and quiet :):):)
13) I haven't seen roommate 2 in 50 hours.

I'm really running behind this morning usually I'm 1/2 way to play time now. I must go hagd my friends yfg

Breakfast

2006-09-02T02:34:00.000-07:00

Good morning :)
Good afternoon :):)
Good evening :):):) and
Good night :):):):)
I'm behind schedule this morning so I gotta go have a gr8 day :)

3 am

2006-09-01T02:58:00.000-07:00

Good Morning. I slept so good last night :):):) Yesterday was one of those days. One of those days where everything just goes right:) Mr. M about fell over when I volunteered for fries. Because I HATE fries and he knows it. I don't know it just seemed like a good day to do fries so I did it :):):) in 18 days I will be on a bus to Idaho to see my daughter :):):):) x333. I'm SO excited :):):) I'm walking to work again :) yesterday I only heard 2 birds :(:( Normally the park is teeming with wildlife. When I went camping I was surprised to see only a very small selection of wildlife. I wonder where all the wild life went?

Todaay I am graateful for:
1) Waking up sober :)
2) My Job.
3) Mr. M has been in a good mood the last week :):):)
4) Mr. Hyde is quieting down :)
5) My health. I'm able to walk to work.
6) My increasing mental health. It seems every day I stay sober a little more of the insanity dissipates :):):)x333.
7) Fall is VERY close :)
8) Friends.
9) Bad days! They help me appreciate the good days a little more :)
10) A warm place to lay my head at night.
11) Being a responsible productive member of society.
12) Whole milk.
13) Step work. It shines the beam on Mr. Hyde. Painful but it exposes him :):) that's a good thing :):)
14) clean clothes.
15 My sunburn does not hurt anymore but itches like crazy.
16) My mom will be joining me in Idaho :):) she is The best mom ever and I look forward to seeing her.

Theirs more I'm grateful for but I must get ready for work... Play time :):):) AHHH one more.
17) I have a smile on my face :):):)

Ok my friends have a super fantastic day today :):):) Stay out of trouble. Enjoy the sunrise:) Merry CHRISTmas. YFG

3 Questions.

2006-08-31T03:10:00.000-07:00

Good Mroning.
1) Principles before personalities. Their is a personality I cant stand... In fact I hate! (Resentments are the #1 offender...) I just cant seem to find a "Happy" place with this individual. I can't find the principle. What is principle?
2) Have you ever wanted some thing so bad that you would do ANYTHING for it? Here are the things I want real bad:
a) Sobriety
b) Custody of my daughter
c) Love...
...That's funny...
a) That we were alcoholic and...
B) That probably no human power..
C) That God could and would if he were sought.
Look to God Greg. Quit focusing on the Evil bitch... Live and let live. I was thinking of my selfish desires in the first set of abc then Dr. Jekyll reminded me of the other set... Things that make you go Hummmm. I wonder what he is trying to tell me???

3)Trudging said...

Great pictures! I am glad that you stayed sober but, what are you doing going camping with people who drink and drug.

Greg said...

I didn't go camping with anyone that used drugs or anything else. It was our neighbors at the camp ground. They invited us over for dinner. Woo hoo free food. So we went. They happen to be active in their addiction and asked us and we said no!!!

I am glad to have gone camping with my Best friend/sponsor :):):)
Yesterday was great:) although I was still camping, I still found it easy to do what I had to do:) Mr. M Is being weird lately. He's trying to make jokes... Hummm Keep it up Mr. M :):):) we love it :):):)
I must get ready for play time hagd all yfg

3 Days

2006-08-29T16:45:00.000-07:00

Good evening. I Had a great time the last 3 days. I don't want to be home yet but oh well. We took 123 pictures so stay tuned to flickr to see our camping adventures. Last night at the...
Something very strange happened to me. Something that has NEVER happened to me in my life...
I said NO to pot and good 'ol veno. I went to bed sober and woke up sober:):):):):):) Last night was the roughest night of sleep I've had in a long time. I slept on the ground in the dirt. Last night the wind was horrendous!!! I went to bed about two am this morning after tramping through the woods in the dark for 3 hours. Went to bed and woke up freezing my ass off and getting sand blasted in my face. That was 4:30 then I made a pot of coffee and went back to bed and was miserable till I got up 3 1/2 hrs later. Do you think I had enough common sense to go sleep in the 3 man tent with only one person? Hell no! Stupid ass. At least I had enough common sense to say no and stay sober! I'm off to bed I'm exhausted so I'll talk more in the morning.

Perfect:):):)

2006-08-26T15:47:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon. Today was Perfect. Everything went right today:):):) I even learned how to say, "The white cat poops hot chili." LOL yea I know, I'm a little weird but who isn't in their own way.
I have plans to go camping tomorrow. I hope they do not fall through. I'll...Powerless...I'll just sit around the house or go camp by the river...They wont fall through though.
Ok so here's the weirdest thing that happened to me today. I woke up and was tired so I skipped a lot of things I needed to do like take a shower, eat, shave or put clean underwear on. I sat here all morning drinking coffee and playing on the computer. I left the house at the last possible second before I went to work. I got to work 9 minutes later than normal. (usually I'm 15 min early. Today I was 6 minutes early.) So I hadn't realized that it was Saturday, (my brain says Friday) and Mr. M works the breakfast shift on Saturday and Sunday. So excited on one hand and apprehensive on the other I buzz at the back door to be let in. Buenos dias senior M. Buenos dias senior Gregorio. Mr. M "Wow your early. That's Good!" That made him smile ear to ear. So I'm just waiting for the moment that he falls in line with his normal pain in the ass attitude...Waiting...Waiting... He shows me some weird stuff on the oven. I guess in case I need to fix it some day I'll know how. Waiting... And then A left hook. I knew it was going to happen at some point. But I had no Idea what I was expecting. Mr. M says "Greg I'm going next door to get coffee. Would you like anything?" HOLY SHIT!!! I didn't know what to say. Weather to fall over in astonishment or be thankful. "What would you like?"... Stutter... uhm... "Surprise me." I said. He said "You shure?" "Yup" And he left. I think he must have had marathon sex yesterday, got a good night sleep And came to work in A... What was it I said yesterday? Ah yes "Fantastically strange" mood. I tell you what that was some damn good coffee. I was expecting a small plain coffee. No sir It was a venti something or other... It was GOOD :):):) That made my whole morning :):):) Ok well I'll post again but for now It's nap time TTFN yfg

Languages

2006-08-25T16:37:00.000-07:00

Good Evening:):):) What a Good day:) Their are four of us at work actively learning the opposite language. 3 are learning English, And me Spanish. I LOVE it:):):) Mr. M just used to look at me like I was stupid. Now he is starting to speak to me in Spanish:):):) This is a miracle!!! Anyways the 4 of us spend a lot of time "Trading words." Some times we get caught up in learning each others language and we forget were at work and have things to do. Mr. M does not get mad or annoyed, but politely reminds us to stay focused. THIS IS A HUGE MIRACLE!!!!!!!!! I rode home with one of the ladies that I learn from, It was great:):):) Now I just need to find some Spanish people to talk to while I'm not at work so I don't have to worry about staying focused on work when I want to stay focused on learning another language.
I also can "speak" sign language. Although very rusty I still know enough to hold a conversation:) Maybe I should go to a Spanish church. Meet some nice Spanish people...Maybe find a nice senorita...Get married and have...mexlets,,,LOL...mexlets...LOL...Where did I come up with that? LOL. NO! NO! NO! No senorita Gregorio. Wait one more year. Then you can go looking for sinoritas. Mr. Hyde: "You could go to the bars in town and learn Spanish from the Mexicans their. I promise I wont ask for a beer." Dr. Jekyll: "Yea I think the Spanish church thing is a good idea I'll Go with that. Oh Mr. Hyde did you say something? I did not hear you, I uhm "lost" my hearing aid."
I have been very sarcastic lately. I wonder if that's ok? I'm on question 3 of my step work. This makes me happy and yet at the same time it's hard. I've spent most of...1/2 of my life. I've spent 1/2 my life avoiding myself. Now I have to turn around and take a GOOD LONG LOOK at myself and say hummmm...I...No I do not want to look through "pot" colored glasses cause then My vision would be distorted again and that's the whole thing . All my life my "vision" has been distorted and I have a queer (weird or fantastically strange) idea of reality. I Like my new perspective of reality and from what I hear it only gets better...Hey I could go to the Spanish AA meetings. That would be 1) a Place to go for MY recovery and 2) I could learn some more Spanish.
wow I talk a lot. That's ok. Well I suppose Beings I need to get up @ 2am again I had better eat dinner and go to bed. Good night and hope to talk to you all tomorrow. Oh My sponsor and I have decided to go camping for my 3 days off so if you don't hear from me no worries. I'm in good hands with Allstate. gn gb yfg

Big Book

2006-08-25T02:51:00.000-07:00

Good morning. I had a Great day yesterday. In regards to yesterdays post. Just let it go man. Just let it go! I work my favorite shift today and tomorrow. 5:30am to 15:00.
then I'm going to be as lazy as I possibly can on my three...Yes 3 days off :):):) Beings it's almost 3am here I HOPE that I will have the house to myself and everyone will stay fast asleep. I have no idea why I said that I was going to work the club tonight. I don't think it would be very wise. By the time I get home I will only get 2 hours of sleep to have to turn around and wake up and work 10 hours...Ahhh it's (my) Friday with 3 days off to follow, why the heck not!

Today I am grateful for:
1) Being sober.
2) Being employable.
3) Being more honest than I was in my addiction.
4) Being responsible.
5) Being alive.
6) Being healthy.
7) Being creative.
8) I'm smiling about roommate #2 getting coffee right now. Yesterday I wanted to poke her eye out. So much for quiet time...Oh well it's all good.
9) Public transportation.
10) I don't have cancer...Yet.
11)
...Talking...

So I have been bringing my big book to work, and reading it at every opportunity I can. I have been really active in my recovery lately and I like it! My general manager is a normie and he asked me what I was reading...uhm..."My big book." he looked at me kind a funny. "No not the bible"...Puzzled he walked away. I smiled and Hope this question was in the back of his head all day. "What the heck is the big book?"
Well so much for QUIET TIME. Roommate #2 is up. She just talked my ear off. Very LOUD talker. Now she has her radio blaring at 3:30 in the am...Poor sleeping roommate #1. SHHHHHH ITS QUIET TIME!!!!! Ok I must get ready for play time... It is going to be a super fantastic day today. I probably will not post until Saturday night or Sunday morning so till then hagd my friends yfg

Pull your weight.

2006-08-24T05:13:00.000-07:00

Good Morning.
I'm sleepy. I just woke up! Yea the coffee is done. BRB...Ooh...ahhh...
MANY times in past rental situations I have NOT pulled my weight! 2 or 3 months behind in rent, and food what's that? Why in the heck would I buy food? I'll just eat your food.
...Forgive us as we forgive those who trespass against us...Roommate #2 has not bought groceries this month! Man it is REALLY disturbing me! Every time she goes to the kitchen to get a soda, a cup of coffee, a bowl of cereal, or just to see what's their. I get ANGRY! Don't eat my food Bitch! I wouldn't give a damn if roommate #2 would buy food! She gets money on food stamps! But like I said maybe it's time I pull someone else's weight for a change. It HURTS and I DO NOT like it, but now I'm able to experience what burden my active addiction was on other people. It is only right to "put the shoe on the other foot" right?

I started working step one last night...Well I started the first question yesterday morning. Got stumped at the first question and thought about it for 10 hours, then started writing. The question. "What does the disease of addiction mean to me?" So far I have...5 pages going. I thought I was going to have a hard time answering it!

Just for today my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life with out the use of drugs.
Just for today I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in me recovery.
Just for today I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability.
Just for today through NA I will try to get a better perspective on my life.
Just for today I will be unafraid, my thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new way of life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.
copied from the NA book "Just for today."

hagd all and hope all is well it your heads. Merry CHRISTmas...Roommate #2 gets coffee...Bitch put it back!!! That's mine! God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.

Ok Ok I'll let her have only one cup! Just one, then she can make coffee with her own grounds...Wait she doesn't have any. Oh darn...Look at me. Why so hate full?
Mr. Hyde: "BEER"
Dr. Jekyll: "NO"
ok all have a good day and I will continue later. Till then. God bless:):):)

STOP!!!

2006-08-22T23:08:00.000-07:00

Good evening. The meeting tonight was good. Weird but good. A lot of new commers.
On my way to the club i walked past some rose bushes. I love the smell and beauty of roses. The voice in my head said STOP!!! So after years of not obeying that voice, I stoped. I was smelling a rose and it broke off. Darn...now I have to take it with me. Man what a sight I was walking down the street wearing a white t shirt, Plad shorts enormous headphones a bald head and a foot long stem below a huge beautiful pink rose. I felt like I was Huffing agian. lol. I couldent keep the thing out from under my nose. My alergies were begging me to STOP!!! but hell no this is good shit man. I have always loved roses yet never took the time in active addiction to STOP and smell the roses.
I have been desprate for sex/relationship, and discoverd today I've got a guy hot on my trail. STOP!!! STOP!!! STOP!!! NO! I MUST NOT GET IN TO ANY RELATIONSHIP!!! I am to young in my recovery! It will eventually lead back in to old behavior! Hell I'm not even done with step one let alone jumping to step 13! yet it would be nice to give and hopefully revieve love. What the hell is love? I love to get high. I love to destroy my life when I'm high. I love to comprimise my morals when I'm high. I love to steal when I'm high. I love to lie when I'm high. But to love another human? What the fuck is that? I could even say To love MYSELF What the HELL is that? STOP!!! do not even get started in a relationship!!! Mr. Hyde "come on it will only be a one night stand it's ok." Dr. jekyll NO! tonight a one night stand tommrow, the next day, next month it will turn into a can of worms we shouldent have opend! Mr. Hyde But he wont ask you to get High. Dr. Jekyll. Thats precisley the reason I will not take this to the next level because one day If he were to ask. I would absouletly say yes and I do not have another recovery attempt in me! I wont even try to get sober agian. STOP!!! RUN! Back off!
Ok I must go to bed now good night I'll hope to post before I go to play time tommrow.
yfg
...hummm spell check does not work tonight??? oh well:)

Oops did I do that?

2006-08-22T08:14:00.000-07:00

Good evening.
Did I really post a blank post? HA.HA. All is well here. I Never made it to a meeting yesterday but I plan to go to one tonight. I had a good day at play time. and I have decided to go to Idaho for my daughters birthday. I put in for the time off this morning.
How much is gas where you live? $3.19 a gallon here for the "CHEAP" stuff.
not much to report from this end I got my web cam hooked up yesterday and so I might go find some people to talk to. I have an hour to kill before I need to take off so till tommrow morning have a good night all. yfg

What I did today

2006-08-21T16:08:00.000-07:00

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Lasagana

2006-08-21T13:35:00.000-07:00

SWEET JESUS I LOVE THIS SHIT!!! THANKS SAFEWAY

MUST SEE THIS VIDEO: Click here

Amusement Park 101

2006-08-21T08:07:00.000-07:00

Good Morning. Weee what a ride. Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...Just for today...
Wow What a night! Glad I'm waking up sober at home drinking coffee than at the river drinking beer! It's difficult to remember One Day at a time!
Laundry day again and I must clean me room...More coffee I need more coffee!
Todaay I'm graateful for:
1) Sober today.
2) Roy.
3) Car problems last night. I got to meet another addict from LA. Maybe friends?
4) Bananas.
5) Day off #2.
6) Music.
7) Gillette Power razors! These things are great I love then! I shaved my head last night in under 30 min. WOW! Thanks Gillette.
8) Play time.
9) the ONLY bridge I didn't burn in Idaho happens to be the bridge that I have to cross to get my daughter back.
10) Amber Rayne (my daughter.)
11) Food in the fridge.
12) I'm not homeless today!
13) Another rent receipt.
14) Fall is almost here. I cant wait for snow!
15) Everyone that showed up to the meeting last night.
16) I didn't have to do dishes yesterday.
17) Honestly things are not as bad as I felt last night! Things are really ok.
18) I'm glad I have my left hand and no stiches. (see my last post)
19) I miss my mother. But grateful she does not have to suffer anymore.

... I hear a sparrow:):):):):):):)

20) Tod. I would like to emulate your love for God and others. Thanks.
21) Fellow bloggers. Who read and comment! Thanks. Thank you. No really THANK YOU!!!
22) Blogger. For providing a FREE (my favorite word) service. A place where I can be me.

...Am I grateful for 100 things???

23) I'm glad my wife is in active addiction so It improves my chances to get Amber.
24) I'm SOOO Glad I do not have to live with that...Woman anymore!
25) My higher power.
26) I'm grateful I don't have cancer. This disease although Rough, Cancer is probably worse?
27) a noon meeting today.
28) Copenhagen.
29) Alfredo. Minny's beta fish. Alfredo and I have Bonded a lot in the last month. I'm going to miss the 'ol chap when "he" moves out.
30) Recovery books.
31) Bill and Dr. Bob.
32) My stupid iPod.
33) I'm single and I do not have to deal with women. From past experience their (most not all) psycho. Maybe I'll find Gods miracle woman for me... Some day.
34) More coffee.
35) I've never killed anyone
36) Today I do not have to be a man whore to get my next dose of oblivion:):):):):)
37) My head is sooo smooth.
38) Raisin bran...Not too much now Greg...LOL.
39) The WWW.
40) CHRISTmas. I cant wait till CHRISTmas.
41) The desire to STAY sober.
42) AA
43) NA
44) Anonmyity (Spelling)
45) Toilet paper. Not leaves.
50) ...Yeah ok...Responsibility.
51) Music.
52) Air conditioning.
53) Mr. M. Sharpening my people skills.
54) Mrs. S. Letting me slack on my people skills.
55) Coffee.
56) Alano club.
57) Learning spanish.
58) No Mr. Hyde were not grateful for beer.
59) I get another chance to try again today.
... Man this is getting tough! 100 I dont think I can do it.
60) Annoying people on Yahoo messenger who keep interupting me.
61) The serinity prayer.
62) ...

Ok thats all I'm thinking of shit to make up now. Wow 61. I suppose I do have something to be grateful for. No sense in watching thoes all disapear with each can of beer!
Hagd all. yfG

What I should have shared...

2006-08-20T21:01:00.000-07:00

My name Is Greg and I'm an addict. My mom died almost three years ago and I pretended it hurt. I pretended I was sad. Inside though I was glad the bitch was dead! Now I didn't have to deal with her shit or her husbands. Finally they would be out of my hair. 30 minutes before my mom passed away, I tried to make things right with her. Not for my sake but for hers. I wasn't done hating her and sometimes wonder if I still am? Living the addict life I never seem to stay in one place long enough to make friends or for anyone to locate me. Especially my step dad and my mother. About 7 months after my mother passed away I was still thinking it was all a hoax. My "parents" came up with this elaborate plan to get rid of me so they wouldn't have to deal with "Mr. Hyde." I was in the next state living in a random city in a random house of a girl that I met on the Greyhound bus. I came home from a day of "bag" hunting and their was a package for me...Cool I got mail...But wait who in the hell could possibly know that I was here? Rick P? But that's my step dad. HOW IN THE H...FUCK DID HE FIND ME??? I still have NO idea how in the hell he of all people found me! Anyways I was eager to see what he had taken time out of his day to mail me. I dreaded to discover what "hell" awaited me in the box (little did I know). It seemed all through my childhood years my step dad was always fucking shit up for me. Just to make me miserable I guess? I still cant understand why he had to make life so difficult. Never the less I was eager to discover the contents of my package. I sat down on the floor and braced myself (little did I know.) I opened the box...What is this little brown box? Oh theirs a post it note in his hand writing what does it say? Greg, These are your mothers ashes. Her last request was that you dump Her in the ocean. We are done DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN. Rick P

WHAM

My Whole world stopped!!! What a left hook! He kept to his normal style of fucking shit up for me. I was happy with the fact that moms "disappearance" was a hoax! BUT NOW I held her in my hands! Reality set in and I cried for the first time. And when mom and I got things right (for her benefit) I wish that I would have got things right for mine too. Cause now it's too late. Mom now lives in Bandon Oregon. I have been thinking a lot of her lately and wishing I didn't hate her any more and want her to be proud of me and wishing I had been a better son. Theirs that hind sight thing again. Anyways. I was making tons of excuses not to go to a meeting tonight and REALLY did not want to go to one!!! So I went to one! Death was the topic and...Well It hurt! But I'm glad I went!

On a separate note. On one hand I hate the misery in active addiction! On the other I Miss it so much. Hell It's normal for me! I so much want things to be normal again! I remember when I first left home at 14 to be homeless on the streets! THAT WAS ROUGH!!! Then I got used to it and then I became to love it and wanted nothing else for myself in life. I had arrived at the "good" life. Then it became redundant and I wanted something new. Discovered sticking a needle in my are was very nice. HELL. HELL oh did I say HELL!!! That became old faster than I expected (Thank God!) Now I'm starting over and I'm fucking scared!!! It's rough! I want things to level off and become "normal" but I'm not on the merry go round anymore and the roller coaster has MANY more twists and turns, Hills and valleys. The bitch is I can not get high and numb myself when it gets scary! I WANT TO GO DRINK OR GET HIGH SO FUCKING BAD RIGHT NOW ITS DRIVING ME FUCKING NUTS!!! I just want the new "insanity" of sobriety to STOP!!! I want to fucking kill Mr. Hyde.
The absence of pain is also driving me nuts! Can I take a razor blade and slice my arm open so I can get 100 stitches? Will I be able to chop off my left hand so I can get a hook? A hook would be so cool! I'm so close to relapse right now I'm fucking scared!!! I want to go get locked up so I'll be safe! All that will do though is prolong the high.
Maybe I should have shared?

WE AGNOSTICS

2006-08-20T14:09:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon.
..."We had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn't. What was our choice to be?" big book page 53. I don't foresee that the God of the Bible...No the God of Curchey people is the one for me. Yes their is only one God I believe and it happens to be The God of the bible. Yet The whole church thing is weird to me!!! I don't like the "phonies" at most churches! Blah Blah pick pick. I don't find god in a church building where people have not been to hell and back! I find the spirit of God in the rooms of AA and NA where hell has been visited by us all. I also find The God of my understanding In nature, Flowers, animals, and the rare example in a human being. Yet I don't pray. I Don't seek God. I don't read My bibles (I have five) And I do not use the $1,000 worth of "study" help books on the bible that I own. I read my big book more often and go to meetings more than I read the bible or go to church. Maybe later in recovery I will be more comfortable with the God thing. The church thing. But for now I'll look for God in the rooms of AA and Na. People. And in Creation.
..."We missed the reality and the beauty of the forest because we were diverted by the ugliness of some of it's trees." Big book pg 50. Lately I have been looking at my tree and others trees and deciding to think that they are ugly trees. Today I have decided to be happy to be able to live in a "world" with trees (ugly or beautiful). Because only 2 years ago the only world I lived in was a living hell and who gives a damn about any fuckin trees lets just get to oblivion as fast and often as we can.
My addiction has been surfacing in Many other ways besides drug and alcohol use. I put myself in debt more and more each day. I was asked to go to Idaho next month for my daughters birth day. Can I go? Not by the current situation of my pocket book! FUCK!!!!! Stupid ass SAVE YOUR DAMN MONEY!!!
I purchased two NA books this week."It works, how and why" and "The Narcotics Anonymous Step Working Guide." Mr Hyde is freaking out! Man is he driving me nuts lately! He does not want me to Make Dr. Jekyll stronger! NO. NO. NO. He is pulling some shifty shit to get me to fuck up so he can "Come out and play again." I'm falling for it too! Spending $ is the foremost trick he's doing now! I figure this is what he is up to. Spend money beyond reason get in debt so far that I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel and then he'll convince me to gust give up and hit the road again until my debt "disappears." And in the mean time...Waiting for it to disappear...He can wreak havoc in my life again and we can go back to living in hell.

Home! Part two.

2006-08-19T15:11:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon.
Here is what I came up with.
Keep it simple.
Grow up.
Life on life's terms.
I'm taking a nap now I'm whooped! I'll talk to you all in the am.

Home?

2006-08-18T22:53:00.000-07:00

Good Evening. The Encarta world dictionary defines home as: 5 SAFE PLACE a place where a person or animal can find refuge and safety or live in security. Two of three of us were given a warning today on our rental situation. Not to say my shit does not stink but I do not feel that most of the troublesome "issues" are coming from my end. I Would love to move out if nothing more than to get away from Minnie! But their are people that want to see me stay in the same place for a year so I'll suffer through what ever shit I have to suffer through. I've begun to make a lot of sacrifices in preparation of my daughter coming to live with me. And many more are to come in the future. Living with my sponsor is great. He's a fantastic man. I look up to him A LOT! Rent is Very cheap (under $200). I do not want to see him have to live with Minnie nor do I want to see him end up back at the local mission! Or worse off homeless. I live in the living room and it's ok...No it sucks! But rent is cheap and I...I want to move out but I feel if 'ol Minnie and I could work things out then all would be well. Or if she got hit by a fast moving truck. Died of amoebic dysentery. A.I.D.S. Look at me and I just sent her an email saying I don't have any issues with her. I just don't like her and feel she is the reason this place does not seem like Home (whats your part Greg?) Yet their was a time not so long ago that I would have given anything to live in someone's living room, CHEAP. Now I'm just selfish and ungrateful about my living situation.
Lately I have been finding fault in others problems and way of life. I wonder why? Is it because the faults I see in others are the faults I see in me? What ever it is I don't like their faults or mine and would like to stop focusing on them!!! I have to get up in less than 4 hours to go to play time with Mr. M, so I had better go and get as much rest as I can. I will post more on this issue when I get home around 4pm pacific time so check back @ 5 to see what I come up with. God bless my friends. yfg

Columbia River

2006-08-18T10:53:00.000-07:00

Good morning, I'm just arriving home from camping down on the river. I slept SO good last night:) I never thought that silence would wake me up. Anyways today is laundry day e.t.c. I went to an awesome NA meeting last night. Lately I have been feeling that what I had to share was stupid and no one wanted to listen. After the meeting was open to share their was about 5 min of silence. So I spoke up and shared. Just got some thoughts off my chest. Honesty. I guess What I said hit home to a lot of people last night. Anyways Have a good day all.

Reverse

2006-08-17T18:14:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon. Back when I was homeless I loved dumpster diving. Ahhh the treasures and GOOD food I found. I couldn't wait to go dig through the trash. HIGH as hell, all alone in my own world digging through the trash...ahhh those were the days. Everyone left me alone!!!
Reverse.
This morning my boss Mrs. S asked me to take our (work) trash out of starbucks cardboard dumpster. 3 days ago our trash was full so we used their dumpster. One of my idiot co-workers can't read the big red sign that said "Warning no garbage. Cardboard only!" anyways as I was digging through the nasty smelly garbage it dawned on me. Back when I was homeless I dug through trash to get "paid" now I'm getting "paid" to dig through garbage.
Reverse.
Today was a good day. I'm off tomorrow and it's payday. Have a good night all hope all was well in your worlds today. yfg
Oh I forgot happy HNT

Keep coming back

2006-08-17T04:50:00.000-07:00

Good Morning, I Went to a meeting last night. It was a great meeting. When I went in to the meeting I was fine. All was well. When I left the meeting I was told "You had a non approachable attitude." Really? The meeting was good like I said, I heard my story in other people's sharing and I didn't like what I saw in me and saw some room for change. I got pissed off at myself and didn't want to be "social." That was on the out side...On the inside I was lonely and was desperate for someone to just say hi and get me out of my head. I can't figure out why people keep telling me to keep coming back. I didn't want to share last night. I wanted to listen. I was told to keep coming back. When I share I'm told to keep comming back. WTF!!! Is it that I'm still so early in recovery that I "Think" I know all the answers and all the old timers "Know" all the answers. Do they think I'm...Fill in the blank...Why is it I'm always told to keep comming back? I don't get it. If their is nothing Wrong with me then find something else to tell me. Like one day at a time. Principles before personalities or Live and let live. If their is some thing wrong with my thinking tell me that too so I can change it.
I Had a rough day at work yesterday. I almost walked off the job. I cut my left thumb open. If the majority of the cut wasn't through my nail then I would have had to get stitches. I LOVE STICHES!!! I really hope today is a better day! I had a shitty attitude yesterday! I work 8am to 5pm today. Have off tomorrow (payday) work Saturday. Off sun and mon. I really need a few days off I'm getting burnt out!
How do I tell the boss to get off my fucking back, with out loosing my job? How do I say Hey pig fucker I know how to do my job Leave me alone! Let me do it! Go hump someone else's leg and quit intreupting my "zone." or look you stupid bitch LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE and let me do my job! This is how I felt yesterday. Today I would like to have a better attitude than that. Although the question is still their. Mr. M just leave me alone go pester someone else PLEASE.
Ok It's that time agian have a good day all. Hope you have a good day. yfG

Good News, Bad News.

2006-08-16T03:07:00.000-07:00

Good Morning,
Good news, Winter is almost here.
Bad news, The air conditioner broke.
Good news, I told my sponsor some gooey stuff last night.
Bad news. I'm still kind of embarrassed.

Well I am pleased to report that my email was answered. I stressed over that all day. LOL It just dawned on me I'm powerless over that too...Oh well I wish I would have thought of that yesterday morning I would have saved myself a lot of headache. Well I Have just sat here for 10 min and cant think of what to say so...
Today I am Grateful for:
1) Honesty.
2) I work my favorite shift today.
3) I woke up with a positive attitude.
4) Daave
5) Were slowing down at work.
6) My Daughter
7) I'm FINALLY getting my life together.
8) Multiple Migs. (Silence of the Lambs)
9) Non judgmental friends.
10) I made it another 24.
11) I'll be home from work...Play time in 12 1/2 hours.
...Mr. Hyde "Beer you would like beer for breakfast." Dr. Jekyll "SHUT UP FOOL!"...
12) I don't have to use my emergency coffee this morning cause fresh brewed coffee is sooo good. Folgers I'm grateful for Folgers...And I suppose their instant too cause last week I broke the coffee pot and I'm glad I had instant to make it through the next 2 days.
13) My General Manager at work. Mr. M. Although a pain in the ass sometimes, He's a decent fellow.
14) My "Jury" rigged alarm clock worked this morning! It was an experiment that went well. I bypassed my operational alarm clock and took a chance on "A new idea" and it worked.
15) LOL. Fiber.
16) I'm not an unlovely creature. (An alcoholic in his cups is an unlovely creature...Big book somewhere...I think...)
17) Free
18) Minnie. (those of you who read often know who I'm talking about.)
19) Trust. In myself, and others. And others trusting me. (This is new for me too)
20) Being Responsible.
21) My mothers death. (It was the event that started the process of me getting my life together...Mom I miss you and wish you could see your son and grand daughter grow up and do well.
22) Dewey Duck. A faithful companion in bed. Never bitches or hogs the covers...He's a stuffed animal. I've had him over a year now. He knows all my secretes and he's not tellin...

Well I suppose it's time to get ready for play time at the local fast food establishment. You all have a good day God bless. Merry CHRISTmas. yfg

Step 4 and Email

2006-08-15T05:14:00.000-07:00

Good Morning, I will be starting step 4 this week I'm looking forward to GETTING it over! Yet for the therapeutic value I'm looking to getting started. I Have a Hard time opening up to people. Letting them know who I REALLY am. I sent an email to a person last night and well I Really opened up. I do not know if the email is/was appropriate to send to this person or not and have not heard a reply from them...Yet...I feel like a new baby. Everything is different now that I'm sober! Everything. I like the changes although sometime difficult.

Today I'm GrAAteful for:
1) A GOOD job
2) A GOOD sponsor
3) Nicotine and caffeine
4) Sobriety
5) Food in the fridge
6) Roof over my head
7) My own bath towel
8) 4 Rent receipts (Never have I ever had 4 consecutive rent receipts)
9) 50% good co-workers
10) A clear head
11) Birds outside my window
12) Hot showers
13) I'm not in prison
14) I'm not fighting a war in my head or in Iraq
15) The unconditional love my parents display
16) That my step dad taught me how not to raise children.
17) Pink Floyd, Frank Zappa, Grateful Dead and other fine musicians.
18) peace and quiet in the morning.

Have a good day all

Sober

2006-08-14T05:23:00.000-07:00

Good Morning, I remember when smoking pot was an extra curricular activity. Back then it was (apparently)harmless. I had some good times! And then somewhere along the line "IT" became a necessity and it sure as hell wasn't so fun any more. Then after 13 years of saying I would never stick a needle in my arm, I tried it and Said WOW WHY DIDN'T I DO THAT 13 YEARS AGO. Then "It"...Then my disease became a demand and then it was definitely not fun!!! Probably closer to HELL!!!
I have had more fun in my sober days than the "good" days high. I wake up and I'm grateful not to have my brain clouded by drugs. It really is nice not to have the monkey on my back.
I have not been to a meeting in a while and hope to go tonight after work. I volunteered at the alano club again last night. I had a severe headache and found it difficult to listen to sober alcoholics all night. Someone always has a better story or had it rougher then some one else. From what I saw/see It's just like a bar with out the happy sauce. It's ok It was very therapeutic to get out of myself and be their for other people.
I must get ready for play time I hope you all have a good day.
Note: dAAve thanks for calling me on my shit. I kind of...Hum..."Forgot" to go to meetings until you said something yesterday. I kind of got wrapped up in life's events and kind of put my recovery on the back burner. Thanks.

Past due

2006-08-13T06:34:00.000-07:00

Good Morning, well I just spent from 1:30am to 6am At the river. Watched the sunrise in peace and quiet, solitude and cold! I should have dressed warmer. My friend thought I was crazy for leaving the house so early (well I thought so whether he did or not isn't important) Yesterday at about 2pm I acquired the case of the fuck it's! Then by 3:30pm I was shopping at the local safeway and I had a jar of best foods Mayo in my hand and I had this strong urge to throw it at a Mexicans head. So I came home slept for 8 hours and went to the river to "chill" out. Little did I know I would shiver the whole time. Do you think I had enough sense to walk 6 blocks home to get something warmer? No I was/am stubborn and I was not leaving the solitude of the river. Today I'm doing laundry and cleaning my room. My room is in desperate need of cleaning. I guess this is all for the day...Till tomorrow yfg

What in the...

2006-08-11T02:31:00.000-07:00

...HELL was I thinking? Good Morning,
Two ten shot lattes is way too much coffee!!! Today I will NOT consume so much caffeine! I don't know what I was thinking yesterday but boy was I stupid! Anyways.
I have a nice short day today. 05:30 to 13:00 then I'd like to go grocery shopping. I went to bed at 4:35 pm yesterday and woke up at 2:20 this morning. I remember back when I used to be homeless Life was a lot simpler. Get high, eat, and find a good place to sleep. Meet neat people and have a good time. The "merry go round" was scary the first 2 or 3 years and I did not like it! Well now that I've stepped off the merry go round, it's like I'm...In a new amusement park and the only ride they have is a roller coaster! It goes a lot faster than the merry go round and in many more directions! And like the merry go round I suppose the first year or three will be scurry. But also like the merry go round I hope that after awhile it will become, safe fun and comfortable. Eventually I will like it and I will not want to return to being homeless. As for now I'd like to be on the merry go round again. I know what to expect in a day it goes a lot slower. Does this make sense? Theirs so many new things happening in my life now that I'm sober. My potential is beginning to surface, and I'm getting nervous. A good nervous though. Really I love my new life. So much new adventures.
On a separate thought...I am sad though! The sparrows that used to live in the tree outside my window have left. In fact a lot of birds are gone. Usually in the mornings the chorus of singing birds is loud, but lately you have to be quiet and wait to listen to them...Where did they all go? I think it's too early to start flying south for the winter....ohhh I'm not ready for winter.
It's Friday so I expect to be busy today. I'm so happy to be getting off at three I mean one. Wow I'll have some extra free time to rest today. It seems I'm wearing myself out lately. I should have rested on my day off but found it more enjoyable to serve others.

have a good day all yfg

Oh yea my weird dream I had last night:
I was in africa, Helping this African man haul dead bodies around. it seemed we were movind dead bodies all day. Finally we came to the last "transport." His garage had about 200 bodies in it and we had to take a shovel and scrape flesh and blood off the concrete floor. it was very hard and nasty. and the smell was horrendous. I remember thinking that he was not worried to have these bodies in his garrage. people were driving by and walking by not even noticing anything out of the ordinary. I also remember thing that if this had taken place in the usa we would see more cops than I'd care to see. anyways I was makine 20 cents a bodie that I had loaded and I couldn't take it any more. I started to leave. Then the african man put a gun to my head and told me to finish or he would add me to the body count. for obvious reasons he had no problems killing people. so I went to my happy place. it came time to transport the now loaded bodies to where vever we were taking them and we had to cover them up so we threw a sheet over them and my friend and I had to lie ontop of the sheet to "Hold" it down.
Then I woke up to my alarm relieved to find myself at home with no blood on my hands.

Hindsight

2006-08-10T04:42:00.000-07:00

Good morning,
I remember when I started my Job I felt that I was an outsider. No one liked me no one talked to me. Everyone just left me alone. 3 months and 10 days later, I'm Well liked and everyone seems to enjoy my attitude and my usual cherry mood. It appears that I'm a smiley face kind ofguy. I do wish I could put cool smilies in my posts but currently this "option" is not available. Anyways I hadn't realized that I leave smilies all over at work. One day a fellow employee notices my usual smiley wasn't a smiley but a scowl looking smiley. (this was the day I discussed the dog humping my leg thing.) I about fell over I didn't think any one cared let alone noticed my smilies. Then the other day...Tuesday The same person came up to me and said Greg what's going on with you are not singing and dancing smiling and telling jokes anymore your too quiet what's up? Now when I first started my job this person would not give me the time of day. Mrs. S (One of three mgrs, also my favorite) Has commented twice that I shoul come over hang out with her family...What the hell do I do? I wanted to fit in and now I got what I want and I don't know what to do! I feel like If they only knew who I used to be they would fire me! Anyways this friend good employee thing is new and uncomfortable but I like it and I think today I will try to sing and dance a little more.
I remember the day my wife told me (I must add I have the best marriage, I've been married comming up on 7 years and have not lived with my wife in almost 6 years. Not spoken to her but 5 times since I "moved out" and haven't seen her in 4 years.) anyways the day my ex-wife told me that we were pregnant, the...My world stopped. I got tunnel vision couldn't hear and I went into shock! The first thing I thought of was NOT the now bundle of joy comming into the world in nine months but, damn it I should have worn a condom cause now I have to marry this BITCH and I can't stand her!!! We were doomed before we even said I do. So now with the shock finally setting in that my daughter is going to be living with my, it seems I have a lot of thinking to do. Planning, promising to spend $ wisely (although I spent $30 on coffee and $50 At Wendys) wondering how do I be a good father, do I want to Go the extra mile and raise her son too? My wife is a ...Be nice Greg...A crack head! MY kids often tell me how many boyfriends mommy has had. They often loose count around 15. Back to my story.
Hind sight. Looking back I think "What the hell was I doing?" "I must have been mad!" Now I know tht I'm not supposed to make any life changing decisions in my first year mut this one I'm not going to pass up! But I'm terrified that I'm going to screw up. And I don't want to look back 20 years from now and say what the hell was I thinking. Lets face it I'm not perfect and I will screw up! I just want a guarantee that when my kids grow up that they will not turn out like me! I do not want them to earn theid seats in AA or NA or any OTOH A for that matter. But I suppose this will only sharpen my recovery too? When their all grown up I want to hear "Ilove you daddy, Thanks for a great childhood." I want my kids to trust me!...On and on...I could type all morning about this! I just want to make the right decision today so in 20 years my kids will turn out super and have a better foundation than I did!
Have a good day friends, Thankyou for all your care, love and concerns.
ARRGHHHH after performing spell check A few time I had to retype a word and it "ate my space" and would not let me add a space between two words. It kept eating the next letter...sorry

Volunteer

2006-08-09T04:48:00.000-07:00

Good Morning, Well Yesterday went well and today is my first and only day off in the last 7 days. Then I work another 7 days again with only one day off. $$$. I'm going into work shortly...30 min. Our parking lot is...Well it's nasty so I'm going to hose it down as we do not have time to do it on the clock. So I'm going to go have breakfast @ work and then I'm going to play with some water then come back home and wash some laundry, clean my room, and do the dishes...Seeing their is only two out of three of us who do the dishes and it's my turn. (thanks for participation AB I appreciate your help.) Hopefully I can get this done by 5:30pm because then I must head to the alano club to volunteer for a 4 hour shift. I'll write again today...I hope but for now I'll be going I need to get ready for my day. TTFN yfg

Finally

2006-08-07T18:05:00.000-07:00

Good evening, Well I had another good day today. My roommate has finally got the picture to leave me alone :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):) I think someone "We" know read my blog and directed her their:):):):):):) No hard feelings Minnie It's just that oil and water do not mix! This morning I moved my computer into my room instead of the kitchen. For 2 reasons. 1) the only air conditioner in the house is in my room, And 2) privacy...Enough for tonight I'll write more in the morning...

...Good morning :) I slept Great last night:) Finally it's my Friday:) I only get one day off, then I'll work another 3 days then I'll get another. It is 3:47 In the morning here :) I love waking up early. It's so quiet, peaceful and it gives me time to prepare for the day.
Some times I still suffer from Mr. Hydes thinking patterns. I suppose this will go away or change with hard work and with time. One of the managers where I work, who I'll call Ms. S, She is also in recovery and can appreciate New qualities displayed in my behavior. Some times I suffer from distractions like I'm worthless or I'm a shitty worker or I'm not fast enough...e.t.c. Yesterday towards the end of my day I was lagging behind and I needed help so common sense said that I should ask! So I asked. No big deal. It was easy! Boy Ms. S was amazed that I asked for help. She showered me with many compliments and said over all that it is nice to see someone who knows when they need help and asks for it! She also said that usually "Most" people Just remain quiet and sink with the ship! I think that Knowing when you need help is the beginning...Hey that's step one:) I get it:) woo hoo now I can move on to step two:) :) :) I love the proverbial light bulb :) Ok enough for now have a good day all...

Freedom

2006-08-07T04:54:00.000-07:00

Good Morning, I never realized how controlling my addiction was. 'Ol Mr. Hyde sure had me doped. I've always paid attention to nature, birds, the grass, trees E.T.C. But yesterday when I was walking to work, Something was different. I felt free! No longer was I obsessed with the unnatural drive to get my next dose of "medication," But I was free to enjoy the clean air, the river, rustling leaves and, the singing birdies. I think that the mental obsession has passed (for now) and for this I'm Grateful.
Yesterday didn't go as well as hoped, None the less it was a decent day. I was able to talk to my daughter and step son again last night and was informed that my daughter is being a trouble maker after we talk. And I was warned that if her attitude does not improve after our conversations then I will only be able to talk to her once a month. And was asked to "Talk" to her and hopefully be able to get her to understand the importance of "good behavior" and smiling when someone pisses you off or just walking away. It went well, although as I was Giving her some fatherly advice, I too found that with some situations, with some people that I too needed to heed my own advice. So I suppose I'm not perfect (yet) and their is still room to grow. Some times...No. No. No. All the time growth is...Painful. Maybe in time growth will become less traumatic? On a note of honesty, I'm a bad father! It hurts me to type this, but oh well! I can not put in to words how excited I am to have the possibility to FINALLY have my daughter live with me. On the same note I'm terrified! The only thing I know how to do successfully is get back on the merry go round of my addiction, and destroy myself and everything in my path. Now that I'm sober I'm going to have to happily take care of my responsibilities in life. I have no Idea how to raise a child! Run from her and avoid her yes I can do that. But to raise a child to A...In a manner that will give her the best possible chance in the world I have no idea where to begin. I think I should take some parenting classes if they are available in my area.
As long as I stay SOBER I have unlimited potential! Some times my potential scares me into relapse though, But this time I feel safe. My dreams are about to finally come true and for once in my life I'm truly happy. (just wait till Amber is living with you Greg.) Anyways I hope everyone has a good day. Thanks for all your friendly advice and help.
P.S. I saw a sign the other day and on it it read : "As we mark time, Time marks us." Hummm...

The perfect day...

2006-08-06T04:47:00.000-07:00

...Good Morning all. I had an extremely good day yesterday. Very long and exhausting but good. It started here at home I drank a pot of coffee then got to work and had TWO 8 shot latte's...Lets just say I was a little wired. Anyways It worked out great. My boss is...Well he's a hard ass, some days I like him some days I want to blow up his truck. Most days we get along and all is well. At work theirs a board that displays what "Position" you will work for that day. Yesterday my name was on the "product coordinate." Especially on Saturdays I HATE this spot. It makes for a long day. Now Saturday has always been the busiest day of the week...Normally I work the grill until 10am or so then I move to a less demanding spot. (cause I cant keep up). Well @ 11:18 I was still on the grill and doing fine. 12:00 I'm happy that I'm still their and want to make my boss proud. Anyways I stayed on the grill from 5:30am to 4:30pm and I did not run out of product once!!! Now I'm not sure if it was the caffeine that helped me keep up or if it was sheer dertermination to do a good job and...Well say thank-you for my raise. Hey it's only 17 cents, But it's not about the money for my this time it's about self respect, pride, my daughter and some land in Florida. I love my job!!! Anyways, I started to run out of juice about 3:45pm. I was in hell by 4:15. By 4:30 I just wanted to lye down on the floor and SLEEP!!! Oh I hurt so bad! Then my boss came over and said You can go home after you do "chili meat" that takes 5 min...Cool, yes sweet. I was so happy I wanted to give him a big 'ol hug! So I came home and planned to go straight to bed...Nope backfire! Still too much caffeine flowing through my veins. Finally at 8:30pm I fell asleep and slept like a rock till 20 min ago (4:37)
I have worked at my job since may first of this year and this will be my first Sunday...I wonder what is in store for me today?
All right friends, Have a super fantastic day I need to get ready for...LOL..."Play time"...Why does it have to be work? Why does it have to be a job? Fun time? Happy time? Play time? Any ways I love my job...h.a.g.d. All...

Sleepy

2006-08-05T03:42:00.000-07:00

Good morning,
I slept SO good last night. My brain is not quite awake yet, I'm still on my first cup of coffee. I'm a proud father! My daughters picture is in my last post, Her name is Amber Rayne, say Hi amber. Thank all for the compliments on her beauty :) :) :) I'll (should) Have more pictures of her in two weeks or so :) :) :) You'll notice my side bar on the right has disappeared. I was adding a clock and ...Well I don't know what happened It just disappeared...So hopefully I can work out the bugs....

Today I am Gratefull for:
1) prison
2) My Mothers death (It Knocked a lot of sense into me)
3) Roy Boy Your love, wisdom and humor Carry me over many humps in the road.
4) All My fellow bloggers Who call me on my shit!
5) A 17 cent an hour raise at work (that I didn't notice until 6 weeks later LOL)
6) My job
7) A roof over my head.
8) AA
9) clean clothes.
10) Hot showers.
11) Contact with my daughter.
12) My ...Wife is in active addiction. Which guarantees me custody of my daughter :):):)
13) Michael and Ren
14) Sharon God bless on your trip
15) Tod, My grand sponsor, So much wisdom of the bible:) you encourage me.
16) Bills. (wow I put that...I used to resent bills and "Forget" to pay then...I must be growing...)
17) COFFEE
18) Pen and paper
19) My parents. (Their picture above) They have been so wonderful. They are like the parents I wish I always had. They show such perfect unconditional love.
20) Minnie you sharpen me. It hurts...But thank-you
21) Honesty
22) Everyone who comments on my blog

...Wow that was hard. I thought I'd come up with an impressive list of 100. If you have found your name at the end or middle. They are in no order of importance so don't feel offended if your last on the list...No worries mate.
Well it's that time again. I need to get ready for a 12 hour day @ my J.O.B. Have a great day all...Merry CHRISTmas to all and to all A...Hum...A great...No...Super fantastic day...

Who pissed in my coffee this morning???

2006-08-04T17:12:00.000-07:00

Well It turned out to be a GOOD day. I got off work 2 hrs early did my shopping...Paid rent and sent my daughter 150 skins...It feel so nice to be responsible, productive, And all that other happy gooey stuff...well I need to go do some laundry in the tub before my 6 pm meeting good nite all see ya in the morning

My neck...My poor neck

2006-08-04T03:38:00.000-07:00

Good Morning friends. Wow I have received such a Warm welcome from all thank-you.
I'll get straight to the point this morning. The program suggests, "Principles before personalities," the Bible suggests, "Treat others as you would like to be treated." The serenity prayer suggests, "to accept the things I can not change." Well screw 'em all!!! One of my room mates is a Mean nasty bitch! I try and I try to be nice. Yet EVERY time she bites my head off. I have thought of every way I can think of to get the point across to her that I DO NOT LIKE YOU MINNEY LEAVE ME ALONE!!! DO NOT TALK TO ME DO NOT CALL ME, DO NOT ASK FOR MY HELP, LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE. She does not get it. It seems that when I get stressed out I carry my stress in my neck. Man oh man does my neck hurt!!! Minney is like one of those horny dogs who is always humping your leg...You kick it off and say bad dog and moments later it's back humping your leg again. Minney is starting a new relationship. Which makes me happy and hopeful. Why? Because maybe her and her new boyfriend (Poor sucker) Will get their own place. Yes this will make my share of the rent go up $100 But oh well My life would be much nicer with out the evil witch, leg humping dog in the house. I think I might leave a note with my blog address on it so she can read this at her leisure AND THEN MAYBE SHE WILL GET THE POINT TO LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
Ok Well I need to get ready for work...I love my job...Have a good day friends and again thanks for the warm Welcome...

A good day

2006-08-02T19:52:00.000-07:00

It has been a good day today. I should have rested much more on my 3 1/2 days off because in the next ten days I have only one day off and I will end up working...72 1/2 hours :) :) :) :):):):):) I LOVE $$$. Good night all. See ya' all in the morning...

Quit playing stupid!

2006-08-02T08:22:00.000-07:00

I was visiting another recovery blog reading about resistance to change. And It hit me Grow up!!! I full well know that as long as I DO NOT use any mood altering substance, work the steps and go to meetings my quality of life will always get better each day...Even on the really bad days. Like I said in my first post I've been a newcomer for 14 years...It's time to put everything I have learned into action It's time I take the first step towards long term sobriety.
Rereading my previous posts I just cant seem to shake off the feeling that I am planning to fail that I WANT to be homeless again...This disturbs me! I suppose I will from this day begin to plan to succeed!...

...I have to go to work today. Today ends my 3 1/2 days off. Man was this nice I didn't do ANYTHING...Well nothing that required physical labor..
I love birds. This morning A Sparrow outside my open window was chirping so loud he/she woke me up.(add 3 smiley faces)I would be perfectly content living as a hermit in the woods with my only company being Gods creation...

Still sober

2006-08-01T18:21:00.000-07:00

Quite a boring day...I wish people would leave some kind of comment when they visit. I bought my first bath towel today. I can't seem to get over the fact that some day in the near future I expect to be homeless again..Mr. Hyde always seems to take over no matter what I try to do...Or not to do. I am always...Hum...When I purchase things I always keep in mind that "soon" I will have to cram it in my new backpack, and carry it with me where ever I go. How much does it weigh? How big/small is it. Should I purchase the hand towel to dry off with so when the day comes it's less to carry. Should I buy this really nice dictionary that weighs 5 lbs or should I go with an electronic dictionary cause you know, Dr. Jekyll I'll get you eventually. I'll just sit back and bide my time and on a day you least expect I'll throw you an opportunity you cant refuse and you will gladly let me control you again...And maybe this time I will be able to kill you before you are able to put me in remission again.
I'm always buying shit for my next homeless adventure. I have absolutely no security. Because Time and Time again, Mr. Hyde always tricks me some how. All will be going exceptionally well and then seemingly out of nowhere WHAM I'm standing on the side of the road hitch hiking to Hell (Santa Monica Ca.) then before I know it Mr. Hyde is "Pimping me At the gay bar in either Hollywood on in Santa Monica. All the while I gladly stick a needle in my arm and push a gram of speed in my vein.
WHAT THE FUCK!!! Will I ever be able to control the little fucker? He is so damn deceiving and crafty...He always finds a loop hole in my thinking and he gets me every time. So why do I go to work every day? To get new quality "camping" gear? Cause Lord knows some day I'll need it again. Can I just Kill the little shit? No cause then I would Kill Dr. Jekyll to and he's not so bad as long as he stays away...Far away from Mr. Hyde. I just cant seem to convince the two that they are not able to play with each other...Yet opposites do attract. If I ignore Mr. Hyde then he'll eventually disappear and then things will be ok. I'll convince myself that I'm not an addict and I do not nor have I ever had a problem with moderation. That's when Mr. Hyde will bite me in the ass. That's when I'll find myself standing on the side of the road wondering what the hell happened to my forward success. That's when I'll find myself on the beach in Santa Monica with my ass up in the air begging to get pounded...Sorry if this is to personal...No I'm not.
H.O.W. Honesty Open mindedness Willingness...Well theirs enough honesty here to make a good start in a solid foundation.
So how do I get Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde to peacefully coexist? Will this war always be going on in my head? Or does it ever so slowly simmer down? Will I always have to keep on my toes for hidden 1/2 truths and full blown lies from Mr. Hyde? Will he always be trying to feed and murder me? How can I get rid of him with out getting rid of me?
now lets get something straight I AM NOT GAY!!! (This is Dr. Jekyll speaking) I find homosexuality revolting, nasty, A sin deserving HELL (Not Santa Monica either) Now for Mr. Hydes point of view...Give me any white drug I'll fuck a mouse, man, woman cow, pig, birds, dildo, door knob...What ever as long as I can make enough money to get high in a few more hours. So. You can clearly see why I CAN NOT LET Mr. Hyde out again.
Wow for having a boring day I sure had a lot of shit to get off my chest.
And finally a poem I wrote just about a year ago...Also about or just after the last time I stuck a needle in my arm

SHARP NEEDLE POINT IN.

CLEAR, PULL, RED. SLOW PUSH,

HOLD ON!

HIGHER...HIGHER...

RINGS OF SATURN.

DOWN. DOWN. CRASHING HARD.

ALL CONSUMING TOXIC PAIN.

SHARP NEEDLE POINT, IN.

Ok that's all for tonight. Please if you have taken the time to read any of my posts PLEASE TAKE A MIN OR TWO TO LEAVE A COMMENT. YOU CAN EVEN COMMENT ANONYMOUSLY IF YOU WOULD LIKE...

Good Morning

2006-08-01T07:24:00.000-07:00

Dr. Jekyll: Good morning Mr. Hyde.
Mr. Hyde: Good Morning Dr. Jekyll.
Dr. Jekyll: Mr. Hyde how did you sleep last night?
Mr. Hyde: Not too well my lower back hurts cause you make me sleep on that damn
couch! Dr. Jekyll? What are we going to do today?
Dr. Jekyll: Well Mr. Hyde We Have to wash our work uniform in the tub, Clean the room
So we can sleep on the floor again, Go to wall mart to replace the coffee pot you broke
yesterday and to buy a towel so the evil roommate can have her fu**ing towel back.
Mr. Hyde: Hey Dr. Jekyll? Aren't you getting some money today?
Dr. Jekyll: Yes 50 Dollars.
Mr. Hyde: Well if you have any Money left over can I have a beer? It's only one no one will
know!
Dr. Jekyll: HELL NO! You idiot we have to go volunteer at the alano club today and we cant go
walking in their with alckie breath. Now you know better.
Mr. Hyde: But it's only one you could bring your tooth brush and some body spray and if you
"accidentally" wake up the beast then you could get your money sooner and the sooner
you quench my thirst the sooner the effects will wear off...And the smell.
Dr. Jekyll: NO!!!
Mr. Hyde: Come on it's only one! I promise I wont ask For another one today. (Mr. Hyde thinks
to himself...Just wait till tomorrow you stupid fool. Feed me today and I'll get two out of
you tomorrow.)
Dr. Jekyll: NO!!! And that is final I will not let you have any food! You have lied to me so many
times before and ruined me so many times before that I'm on to you this time.

Stay tuned for our next adventure. Check back tonight to see who won this battle
till then...

My name is Gregory and I'm an addict

2006-07-31T22:24:00.000-07:00

I have two things I'd like to share tonight.
First is a poem That I wrote on Friday. Now I tried to find a pretty pot plant to go with the poem and came across this picture and had to throw it in.

Sticky Green NO MORE!!!

Green sticky weed I love you so much,

You sparkle like a million diamonds. We smoke like a diesel locomotive.

your smell is sweeter than French silk pie.

Your effect is OUTSTANDING!

As we climb to an altitude of 50,000 feet I am finally

alone and able to relax enough to

contemplate the finer things of life as well as

some spiritual avenues.

You consume me in so many ways that you end up

Destroying me.

I will not associate with you anymore!!!

I'm sorry my love. I'm tired of being nothing with you.

Hopefully I can be something without.

Now for the second thing I'd like to contemplate...Narcotics Anonymous page 18...

...We are people with the disease of addiction who must abstain from all drugs in order to recover.

I consider myself an Addict because if you tell me to drink 1/2 a gallon of water a day I'll drink 2 gallons...If 2 aspirin will do I'll take 8, Seven times a day...If one bong rip will do I'll enduldge in 20...Moderation does not seem to be in my vocabulary. Lets take nicotine for example. I smoke hand rolled non filter cigarettes, cigars, a pipe and I chew 1/2 a can of husky fine cut. All in one day!!! Ok so back on track. Some have said that nicotine is a drug and like alcohol is a "Gateway drug" And in order to totally be free from The talons of my addiction then I must quit using nicotine...Well I should quit anyway cause at the rate that I'm going I'll have cancer within a year...Back on track Gregory...So lets assume that nicotine is a drug. And the NA book says that I must abstain from ALL drugs in order to recover...Do I need to quit? Yes. If for nothing more that health reasons, I'm not sure if it has any bearing on recovery. What do you think???

Try again

2006-07-31T11:51:00.000-07:00

I've been a newcomer for 14 years now and hopefully I have finally matured enough to listen to Dr. Jekyll. Now...I'm just learning the deceptiveness in Mr. Hydes Way of life and his suggestions. Although I have trusted Mr. Hyde for so long, it is difficult to See through his lies. He has been trying to convince me that he wont destroy me again if I'll only feed him just one more time. Dr. Jekyll Knows better and warns me agianst following anything Mr. Hyde suggests. But it would be nice to visit oblivion again...no.no.no. To much at risk now I'll be Getting custody of my daughter Amber soon I have a GOOD job that I like and I have paid rent successfully for 4 months now and if I keep my job for a year dad will give me a 1/2 acre of land in Pensacola Florida. I must not let Mr. Hyde come out to play again...
So I guess the next question is. What do I do to have to stop the war in my head? What do I do until Sobriety becomes my new comfort zone? How do I do it? And how long will I have to be patient? Let me say it this way. I wish God would give me this "MAGIC" elixor that I could put in a syringe stick in my arm pull the plunger...Push and sit back and enjoy a perfect life. Maybe now th...Maybe the bible is my magic formula? I'm to lazy to pick It up! Meetings? No theirs too many other conversations going on their cant really hear or understand the topic...The big book...Undecided. Maybe I'll just find some other way to get sober. Then again that's why I have been a newcomer for 14 years instead of having 14 years of sobriety...WoW that sounds weird...14 years I could have under my belt now.
I'm too impatient to let god and time have their way. I want it NOW!!! Yet...I'm so confused I don't know what the fuck I want...